Moving Forward

[BC39]

We ended up having a R talk last night (we haven't had one since October when my wife had her "awakening").

It started because I'm frustrated with our sex life in the last few months.

First a quick background on the subject:
A few months ago after having sex my W kind of frustratingly said "why am I always the one the initiates sex?" Admittedly I let her initiate for a while as I needed the validation after our sitch and I couldn't handle more rejection if I initiated and got turned down.

So I initiated for the next few weeks after that. A couple times I just came onto her, a couple times I just asked. Most of my advances were rejected. When we did have S it felt more like a business transaction on her part.

Then last month ago after getting rejected again I asked her if everything was okay. She said she hadn't been feeling sexual. This is abnormal for her. She said she figured it was because of stress of starting new business. We haven't done anything sexual in almost a month, and maybe 1-2 times in the last 3 months. Very abnormal for us.

That takes us to last night.

When we went to bed I said "do you want to have some fun?" She fairly coldly said "no" and went into the bathroom. When she came back out I said "I'm not sure how to not take our lack of sex lately personally." She frustratingly said "maybe you should try harder than just asking me if you want to fool around". I said I've tried that and you turned me down, so I figured I'd just come out and ask to save me further rejection if she turned me down.

Then she said "we've obviously had some attraction issues". I said I didn't realize you still felt that way because we haven't talked. She said "ya I still struggle with it". OUCH.

I asked her J3B line. "Am I doing alright by you in this marriage?". She said "yes of course, why?". I said "I'm always trying to be a better person and a better husband".


She told me this same thing during BD, but I thought (or hoped) we were passed that. Apparently not.

Everything else has in R has been fantastic in the last 6 months. Our R is so much more than it was before BD. I 180'd EVERY concern she had, and much more. I'm in shape for the first time since I was a kid. I've made a real effort to connect emotionally (and thought I had). We're very affectionate and laugh a lot. W is constantly asking me if I need anything or if there's something she could be doing.

.........

So I've just went from thinking my M was well on its way to recovery to finding out W still isn't attracted to me. I'm fighting to not pull back to protect myself from further rejection. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.

W is asking me to try to come on to her to help her want sex. How do I do that when I know she's not attracted to me?
At the end of the convo W said "she would try harder". Try harder to be attracted to me? That just sounds awful.


She held my hand against her face while she fell asleep.
I'm not sure what else I can do to be attractive to her and that scares the hell out of me. I believe am fairly aware of the proper level of Alpha and Beta needed in my relationship, but there's a chance I'm completely wrong.

I feel lost and scared. My ego is on life support. She's had these feeling for a long time now (1-2 years).

How does a marriage survive without attraction?

I have no idea what else to say, or what else to do to make her attracted to me.

.......

This morning when we woke up she gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me.

This is so hard.