Moving Forward

[AnotherStander]

Glad you're still posting, not enough people in the "recovery" phase post!

Saying that, I still struggle a lot. Not knowing what the future holds is something I have a hard time dealing with.

It seems pretty common for LBSs to go through this in piecing. How does the LBS ever trust that the WAS isn't going to leave again, or have an affair again? All I can say is live for today because you have no idea what tomorrow may bring. You could die on the drive home this evening, or your spouse could. Anything can happen. We can spend all our time worrying about it or we can just enjoy each day as a gift and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm not saying we should go on wild spending sprees and party like there is no tomorrow, I'm just saying we all spend too much time worrying about things that may never happen

We still haven't had a R talk since October.

Why is that? In piecing you should have very open channels of communication. I recommended RetroV to you previously, did you ever check into it? It gives you some truly amazing communication techniques, and it takes the fear out of communication.

[BC39]

Hey AS, nice to hear from you

It seems pretty common for LBSs to go through this in piecing. How does the LBS ever trust that the WAS isn't going to leave again, or have an affair again? All I can say is live for today because you have no idea what tomorrow may bring. You could die on the drive home this evening, or your spouse could. Anything can happen. We can spend all our time worrying about it or we can just enjoy each day as a gift and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm not saying we should go on wild spending sprees and party like there is no tomorrow, I'm just saying we all spend too much time worrying about things that may never happen

Very well said and I agree with all this ^^^^. I do my best to live this way MOST of the time. I, much like many here, went most of my adult life "just knowing" W and I would be together forever. I miss that blissful ignorance sometimes, but I'm working on it.

Why is that? In piecing you should have very open channels of communication. I recommended RetroV to you previously, did you ever check into it? It gives you some truly amazing communication techniques, and it takes the fear out of communication.

Good question. Everything has been going so well, I guess I'm afraid to hear any negatives. I did look into RetroV but it isn't in our area.

I definitely need to learn some tools for communication with W. I'd like to read the 5 Love Languages. The problem I have is I'd like to read R books privately and keep them to myself, but W and are together 99% of the time. Perhaps I'll look for a digital copy and read it on my work computer when I can, but even that sometimes is hard as W walks info my office numerous times throughout the day. I'm constantly clicking off this site when she walks in

[AnotherStander]

I, much like many here, went most of my adult life "just knowing" W and I would be together forever. I miss that blissful ignorance sometimes, but I'm working on it.

Wow, does that comment hit home I sure miss that blissful ignorance as well. That's something that I (and probably none of us) will ever have again, whether W and I reconcile or not. And that's a real shame, it's kind of like finding out that Santa isn't real, LOL!

I'd like to read the 5 Love Languages. The problem I have is I'd like to read R books privately and keep them to myself, but W and are together 99% of the time. Perhaps I'll look for a digital copy and read it on my work computer when I can, but even that sometimes is hard as W walks info my office numerous times throughout the day. I'm constantly clicking off this site when she walks in

I think 5LL would be something you could share with W, you don't really need to keep it a secret. Women love taking all those love quizzes in magazines, so getting her to take the LL quiz shouldn't be a problem. My W was like a week from moving out and still took the test (I have the digital copy, so I read the questions aloud to her and wrote down her answers). I definitely encourage you to get her to take the quiz because most of the time our spouse does not have the LL we guess they do, and it's important to know where to focus your LL efforts.

Good luck!

[BC39]

We ended up having a R talk last night (we haven't had one since October when my wife had her "awakening").

It started because I'm frustrated with our sex life in the last few months.

First a quick background on the subject:
A few months ago after having sex my W kind of frustratingly said "why am I always the one the initiates sex?" Admittedly I let her initiate for a while as I needed the validation after our sitch and I couldn't handle more rejection if I initiated and got turned down.

So I initiated for the next few weeks after that. A couple times I just came onto her, a couple times I just asked. Most of my advances were rejected. When we did have S it felt more like a business transaction on her part.

Then last month ago after getting rejected again I asked her if everything was okay. She said she hadn't been feeling sexual. This is abnormal for her. She said she figured it was because of stress of starting new business. We haven't done anything sexual in almost a month, and maybe 1-2 times in the last 3 months. Very abnormal for us.

That takes us to last night.

When we went to bed I said "do you want to have some fun?" She fairly coldly said "no" and went into the bathroom. When she came back out I said "I'm not sure how to not take our lack of sex lately personally." She frustratingly said "maybe you should try harder than just asking me if you want to fool around". I said I've tried that and you turned me down, so I figured I'd just come out and ask to save me further rejection if she turned me down.

Then she said "we've obviously had some attraction issues". I said I didn't realize you still felt that way because we haven't talked. She said "ya I still struggle with it". OUCH.

I asked her J3B line. "Am I doing alright by you in this marriage?". She said "yes of course, why?". I said "I'm always trying to be a better person and a better husband".


She told me this same thing during BD, but I thought (or hoped) we were passed that. Apparently not.

Everything else has in R has been fantastic in the last 6 months. Our R is so much more than it was before BD. I 180'd EVERY concern she had, and much more. I'm in shape for the first time since I was a kid. I've made a real effort to connect emotionally (and thought I had). We're very affectionate and laugh a lot. W is constantly asking me if I need anything or if there's something she could be doing.

.........

So I've just went from thinking my M was well on its way to recovery to finding out W still isn't attracted to me. I'm fighting to not pull back to protect myself from further rejection. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.

W is asking me to try to come on to her to help her want sex. How do I do that when I know she's not attracted to me?
At the end of the convo W said "she would try harder". Try harder to be attracted to me? That just sounds awful.


She held my hand against her face while she fell asleep.
I'm not sure what else I can do to be attractive to her and that scares the hell out of me. I believe am fairly aware of the proper level of Alpha and Beta needed in my relationship, but there's a chance I'm completely wrong.

I feel lost and scared. My ego is on life support. She's had these feeling for a long time now (1-2 years).

How does a marriage survive without attraction?

I have no idea what else to say, or what else to do to make her attracted to me.

.......

This morning when we woke up she gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me.

This is so hard.

[BC39]

So far today she's acting completely normal, like there's nothing wrong whatsoever. She just asked if I wanted to go out to restaurant for lunch. Confuses me a bit.

I'm going to try to keep a smile on my face and be pleasant, but inside I want to completely pull back and give up.

[BC39]

W initiated S last night which was nice. I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with her "trying harder" to regain the attraction. I know I should be happy she's trying but its still disheartening that she still feels this way after how great everything has seemed.

I wish there was more action on the Piecing forum

[BrightFuture]

It seems that she doesn’t know what she wants in terms of sex. Have you tried to have a romantic evening/night with her without any expectations of sex? Does she have any hormonal issues?

[BC39]

Thanks for stopping by BrightFuture

It seems that she doesn’t know what she wants in terms of sex

Its possible, I'm not entirely sure.

Have you tried to have a romantic evening/night with her without any expectations of sex?

Not recently, but we do do things like cuddle on the couch while watching tv, lots of hugs and kisses. We fall asleep most nights holding hands. And she initiates these things 50% of the time, its not just me.

Does she have any hormonal issues?

I don't believe so.

[stilllookingup]

Women do say stupid things when we are attacked about the quality or the number of sex... oh how I wish I could take back some of the things I had said in the past. They obviously hurt my H so badly. I was in shock when he brought up things I'd said in the past. Mind you, this guy doesn't remember all the other little things I remember and hold grudge to but he remembers what I said about sex.

That is really tough to hear her say I'll try harder (to be attracted to you) but maybe she felt attacked. Maybe she didn't mean it.. I'm just speculating it but who knows.

Our intimate problem was always that I almost never initiated he didn't feel wanted or loved. I've always had a little trouble accepting him because ... quite frankly because of our size/height/nationality/ difference? (if you know what I mean!)
It did feel like a chore when I thought about it for a long time (horrible, I know) but I didn't know what to do with it. I remember few times he was embarrassed it was going to be a quick one because we hadn't had it for a while, and I was rather happy because I could hurt less. I don't remember exactly what I said but I would say things that made him believe I was relieved or glad it was going to be a short one. I mean... how depressing would that have been for him? I remember I cried few times because it was painful and emotional. Believe it or not I was so sad the intimacy had to be like a chore.

I regret deeply how our sex life was for a long time.
I wish we could have addressed it much sooner.
If it was painful, I should have sought medical help.

And the last thing I realized while soul-searching.. sex is a HUGE part of men in marriage. They don't just want sex every day 10 times a day (well maybe some do!) but they want to feel loved, wanted. They want us to make love to them like we want them to.

I've always loved my H and attracted to him but after BD I miss him incredibly more than ever. I miss his touch. I dream about how it'd be like again to just kiss him.

Maybe you guys might want to try being distant/separated a little longer this time? It sounds like you both like to work it out but desperately need to re-connect physically.

I don't know if my story was much of a help, but I thought I'd share a female's perspective.