Evidently one of the other kids had told our boys about some W play activity that happened back last fall. He heard it from his mother. W was ticked.
This why you stay out of HER way ^^^^^ ...let her "make her own bed".... My journey so far has borne this out, and my W could not blame me for interfering or causing any of these consequences...it was all her.
She wouldn't have listened anyway, so I would have been banging my head on a rock...I'm trying real hard to stop doing that...
Let her be, my friend, let her be...she is like a teenager, has to learn how life really works all by herself. My oldest went through that phase just before W started her journey, so the practice with oldest helped, and man, the similarities still amaze me.
You are doing great! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I smiled and suggested maybe she should've went on Monday after she had her nails done. That brought a sheepish grin and double middle fingers. I just laughed.
But they were well manicured double fingers, no?
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I finally asked her what was bothering her.
I have found asking what's wrong to be a mistake. We can't fix 'em and they wouldn't want us to even if we could. Only offer your guidance when she comes to you.
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Evidently one of the other kids had told our boys about some W play activity that happened back last fall. He heard it from his mother. W was ticked. I encouraged her to not let it bother her.
I'd like to add to the spot on comments T posted above regarding this. I hope you aren't talking about your sitch with anyone except one or two people you can trust to keep everything in confidence. The more people know, the harder it makes it for your guys to R.
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Consequences to our actions, who would've thought it?!?!
We call that the Reality Stick. You have to let it do its job.
Stay on course, you're doing fine!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
T^2 I'm slowly seeing that. The stories and excuses quit adding up.
The old saying that "actions speak louder than words" comes through in the end. She can fool some people with her personality, but most see things for what they are based on actions.
Small town USA has everybody watching. Too many seeing her actions for what they are.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
One of the best things (imo) about staying out of their way is that, when it all comes a crashin' down, they cannot blame you for interfering, causing it all to not work out, etc, etc. It's all on them, and you have kept your sanity and not made things worse. Keep going! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T^2. I had a great evening out with coworkers yesterday. Good food, lots of laughs. The boys FaceTimed me while I was driving my boss and another employee across town. When we hung up W texted to ask if we were high. I told her we do this (by phone) everyday. We were cracking up, the boys were cracking up. Really fun.
It probably surprises her that three men can go out of town, not drink, be in bed by 11:00, and still have a good time. I wish they lived closer to me. Yes, even my boss. They're each at least 350 miles away.
I wish I could get to the point that I could stop thinking about the future. It's part of my personality. I plan. I make plans for years in advance. I've been planning for retirement since I got out of college. W lives in the day. Never thinking about tomorrow. We always laughed about how we countered each other but complimented also.
An mlc spouse is not good for the health of a fixer and planner.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I hear you...W and I are arranged like you and your W.
Guess this mlc of our Ws is one of those lessons in life that good as it is to roll with "God helps those who help themselves", sometimes "let go and let God" is the only sane way forward.
I have been at this long enough to have the "fix it" urges under control, but limbo is challenging my "planner" pretty darn hard.
Plan and fix what you can, accept what you can't, and wisdom to know the difference is my affirmation these days... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY, somehow I missed your post. I guess you jumped in while I was responding. They were very well manicured nails, to answer your question.
W has been very distant since my return home. She left as soon as I got here. Not so much as a hello. I've also noticed that she won't look me in the eye. Very hard not to call her on it. What a fool she is.
I don't know guys. This might be too hard for me. I'm not sure i can get past a PA.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Sorry. That's because I'm on moderation again. Not sure why.
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W has been very distant since my return home. She left as soon as I got here. Not so much as a hello. I've also noticed that she won't look me in the eye. Very hard not to call her on it. What a fool she is.
Been there, done that. One time I positioned myself directly in front of my wife, looked into her eyes and smiled real big. She made an ugly face and stuck her tongue out at me! Note to self: that didn’t work! (I didn't expect it would, but I refuse to walk around on eggshells in my home around MY W.)
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I don't know guys. This might be too hard for me. I'm not sure i can get past a PA.
I’m with you on this. Physical touch is my PLL and my W already cut that off. Her giving it to another man would be the nail in the coffin, I think. If I find out about a PA I will ask her to end it. If, after a while she does not, I will ask her to leave the marriage home, on the grounds that it is disrespectful to me and our M. If she does not, I will commence cutting back on the benefits I provide by being her H. If she’s in love with OM, he can provide that. I would not initiate D, but would not bake her a cake every day. This is how I feel now, anyway. Who knows if I would hold to this should the worst happen.
By the way, I ran my above hypothetical course of action by my DB coach, and she agreed with me. We all get to choose what we will or will not accept. The more I read of the pain betrayed spouses go through here, the more I’m convinced I won’t lie back and accept a PA in my M. Our wives will only love us if they respect us. They will only respect us if we respect ourselves.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Email from W below. I didn't ask and received this cold.
"Did not ever start contributing to 401k. Can't now. Using extra money for other stuff. I'm sure you have questions about us and where we are. All I can tell you is that I'm happy with the current situation. I like being friendly with each other and sharing time with our boys, but also having my own time and space. I realize it puts you on hold and if you want to make things more finalized I totally understand."
How to respond???
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
