How to begin?

[LostButHopeful]

Thanks mrtwopointfour and Breakdown...I've been looking forward to some 'company' on here.

In response to Breakdown:

So tell us more about your M.

Our marriage has always been kind and loving; we shared tons of healthy, happy activities together, right up to the bomb. Of course we had our disagreements, but always seemed to work through them. Intimacy was good up to the last minute, although over last couple of years things did slow down a little bit. We’ve been very busy with college, projects, and kids, so I didn’t really see a problem…just thought that things would pick up again now that kids are moving towards independence. In retrospect, communication does seem to have been ‘thin’ at times, but like most men I got no complaints (until bomb) so I thought all was well; and we really did communicate when there was a need, or often just to be together, or so I thought. Overall, our marriage and relationship in whole seemed really darned good! Most people look up to us, and so do I.

What were your W's complaints?

None until the bomb. Then she said I spent too much time on the computer. I started a big freelance project last year. Been tired of it for a while, but was hoping it might lead to opportunities to improve job, in turn better life for family. Also said I play too much Playstation. She always encouraged this as it was one thing kids and I did together; she encouraged this even when I wanted a break from it…now not sure what to make of it. Said we didn’t sit together much lately, and that we didn’t even use the same blankets. I see it…the blanket thing is because we both have radically different internal thermostats. Other than that no other complaints from W. None. Zip, zilch, zero. I’m really confused here, because each of her complaints is grounded in some regular, everyday thing. Of course had I known I would have moved mountains to address her issues, and will if given the chance.

What were the issues in your mind?

None. Honestly. We talked, we laughed, made love, went out on occasion, helped one another with things, dreamed our dreams and seemed to be chasing them…together. A few months before the bomb, I began working with a friend/coworker on my communication and social skills. He saw right away that I wanted to improve comms with W, even though there didn’t seem to be any problems. I really just wanted to be lighter and have a better sense of humor, don’t really think I’m a bad communicator.

What didn't you like about your role in the M?

I should have helped around the house more. Not saying I’m useless…I cooked and cleaned, took out trash, etc. Just didn’t do it on her schedule, but still contributed. No other complaints about my role in marriage or life. I would have liked a better job to better provide for my family, hence the extra work and college. Now, I’d trade all the ‘material’ stuff in the world just to have her back by my side. Wrapped up my programming project two weeks ago and very politely informed my liaison that I would not be entertaining new projects for the foreseeable future, possibly never.

And from that, what do you want to work on? What are you doing to "be the best you can be?"

Some things are so very hard to do. Right now I’m working on my fitness, losing weight, eating better, dressing better. This one’s pretty easy, and I’m doing well here. I’ve tried to put some time into a hobby (leatherworking) but every time I begin, I just sort of lose my will to work on it. Many of the leather projects I’ve started were gifts for W, now I’m not sure if I should continue them. It hurts me to see them, and giving them to her might be the wrong thing to do, even though they are really gifts from the heart, for which I expect nothing in return. I really want giving these gifts to be the right thing to do, but I guess it would be viewed as pursuing, even though I don’t intend them that way.
I’ve been trying to get out and figure out what I like to do, but the truth is, right now everything just comes back to what is missing. I go out by myself, don’t find anything to do, then feel like a failure. My kids are musicians, in a blues rock band together. For the last few years our family has spent a lot of time at their gigs, or other music oriented stuff together, very fun stuff then. Now I can barely stand to hear even a single song, so going out to anywhere with music just hurts. We hiked together quite a bit, especially during the summer. I went hiking last week, but it felt so empty. Everything right now just seems gray and empty. I’m not trying to be so negative, but it’s so hard when we had such full lives, did so many things together, and now everything I do just seems to remind me of what is missing.
I’m working on a few other things and trying to LRT. I hope that LRT is not more of the same, but I really have so little to go on. And finally, I’m trying really hard to learn some stress/anxiety relief techniques. The hurt and loneliness and confusion are pretty bad, but the stress has got to go NOW. Makes it hard to function. I could use some help here
I’m planning to go out tonight, maybe grab a slice of pizza and a beer, and just see what happens. I’m really hoping it goes better than my last several attempts.