W took a trip to visit friends in other state at end of February. She had gone in November and January also. OM is one of the old friends (BF to be exact) that is in other state. I was nervous because of marriage problems and January text that something was happening. W came back late from trip and didn't unpack. I was talking to her while in the shower. I saw bruises on breasts, arm, and hip. She always told me to hide hickies while making love so I assumed she told OM to do the same. I went out to the car and looked through her purse. Found card from OM saying he loved her and wanted to shower with her, etc. He liked to hold her face while they kissed. I kept the card and thought about what to do all day. I said nothing. She went to work while I tried to work from home. I brought the issue up at counseling that night (away from kids). She denied everything. She said that she didn't want to be with me if I thought that way about her. We left counseling without action.
In the car ride home, she told me that we needed to separate. I told her I was considering suicide. While I was packing at the house, she kept asking about my plans and if I was really going to kill myself. I replied yes repeatedly. Eventually, I got a little angry and confronted her by saying "Not everything is always going to go your way. If we divorce, it's not necessarily true you will get the kids." That was her anger button. She wouldn't let me talk after that. She shouted down anything I had to say, so I continued packing. She called the cops. I admitted I was thinking about suicide to the cops (bad idea) so they took me to the hospital (without choice). I spent a few humiliating hours in a room by myself. Eventually, I admitted that thinking about suicide was an attempt to manipulate my wife into caring about me (which obviously backfired).
Admitting I was manipulative was my new dawn. It took the problems too big for me to handle by myself (coming to the end of myselt) to look for God again. I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and finally found God. No one else could ever explain God to me before that. I also picked up DB. I broke down and went to live with my parents instead of my car (another attempt at manipulation). It took a few weeks for DB to sink in and realize that I needed to change myself. I was reading the Bible again too. I eventually got DR which helped me craft a more clear plan. I loved the hope stories in both of Michele's books because I could see parts of my R in each. I also found hope in God that I could give my problems to him.
I talked to all kinds of people (pastors, old friends, strangers). I was always an introvert before. I only mentioned OM to 2 more people (pastor and old friend W doesn't know). I knew EA would shame her and make her hate me more. She spent most of March avoiding talking to me. Don't you just love the silent treatment. We were supposed to go to another counseling session 3 weeks after I accused her of infidelity. I did a 180 and said that we didn't need to go to counseling if it was just making things worse and costed money which was scarce. Things improved slightly after that. I went on vacation out of town with S12 (new for me to go on vacation with kids by myself). W organized activities for S4 and D2 with her parents (I think to keep me from taking them with).
