Letting Go & Moving Forward

[JuneReN]

Well, right now, that convo would be rife with emotion. I think you just have to trust H at this point and not obsess about the what if.

And if he did meet her at park, but didn't tell kids who she is, well, kids are not stupid.

I think you should have this conversation with H. I did. He told me that GF and he were in serious relationship. I said it was time to tell kids about her, but that his time with kids was his time, not plus GF time. For now, anyway. I will not have a series of GFs introduced to D. If he should break up and re engage in another R with someone else, I will refuse to have her introduced until a year minimum goes by...all I need is a parade in my kids' lives.

But this is something you will have to address for your own peace of mind.

[Tallula]

Just catching up here.

Oh, the OW meeting the kids talk. My H knows in no uncertain terms that OW is NOT allowed to be around my children at a MINIMUM until we are D.

I even told my H that I would like it to be several years from D that we introduce significant others to our kids. Just because he overlaped R's doesn't mean my kids are ready for that.

I have no suggestion for whether you have that coversation now. It does need to happen. And you need to keep the emotion at a minimum if you can. I very frankly told my H the above. I also said that here in reality, I will not be ok for a very long time having OW in my kids lives. Period. Now, if we D'd and it was another woman a year or so later, that would be different. That this woman, I will never have a good relationship with. I don't want to even be in the same room, much less have a conversation with her. Honestly, my goal should she stay in his life (which I don't see happening for anyone for a long time!) would be "Meh". I don't have to be friends with her. All I owe her or my kids is no hostility. I wasn't upset or yelling. I was calm and honest. He got it. It's all in the tone. He actually said "That makes sense. I really hadn't thought of it like that."

Yea, I don't think they really think much about reality. Good luck. I know I have no control over his actions, but I will set and enforce firm boundaries when it comes to my kids.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby & T.

No contact w OW at park today (I think). I questioned S11 a little about WHO they saw at the park & did daddy talk to any grown-ups or did he play w you guys?

S11 said he played w us some & just watched some. No evidence of OW showing up.

So, I guess I have to trust that H is NOT going to bring OW around the boys as we discussed earlier on. I do think I need to bring this up again in the near future when my emotions can handle things a bit better.

Am started to look forward to/stress a little about summer. H & I both have A LOT of time off, as do boys. I already have two week-long trips planned (well, in my head) with just me and the boys.

Last summer absolutely suxed. MIL was ill & passed away in Aug. BD was in June ("in love" w OW). I spent whole summer in tears--rivers of tears. Don't want this summer to be as awful w a possible D on the horizon (ok, ok, I do NOT know what the summer holds w H, but he has been pretty clear that he has NO INTENTIONS of returning home).

The fact that we are dividing up checking/savings accts right now is a pretty clear indication of the direction he's heading.

Some days I wonder if I will want/ask for a D before he does. BUt, I am not ready (not that anyone is ever ready for D). I do not want a D, but feel that H does (although he's never directly brought this up yet).

Back to summer- lots of TIME on my hands. Good & Bad. I have little money to do things w my boys, but they will be going to some summer camps. I am going to be a leader at S9's cub scout camp (as I have been for several years now).

I don't want to just sit around & think about things all summer long! I do want to move forward for ME!

I feel a bit stuck, but am not sure why. My C says it's b/c of being in limbo & that I want to hold out hope (but I really have very very little hope left).

H is spending A LOT of time w boys this week. We crossed paths for the first time since Sunday (when I was angry & in a very negative place). He seems like the "caged tiger" he used to be living at home the past year before he moved out. Like, too much time around kids is just TOO MUCH for him. Infringes on his "time and space" alone.

Here I think he's LUCKY to be w them all week and he seems to see it as a burden of some sort. I just hope he isn't giving them the same vibe.

Not my problem.

Interesting observation...I went to check this container H used to keep his wedding ring in (he NEVER actually wore his ring) and it was gone! I don't know if he took it w him, it is lost, or he cashed it in somewhere! As my jewelry means SO MUCH to me (yes, I'm a "gifts" girl- my 2nd LL, WoA is first) I am a little anxious about this. DO I ask him about it? Does it really matter to him? Probably not.

I am slowly transforming my bedroom to MY bedroom. New bed set. Moved H's clothes he left to back of closet & moved kids winter stuff in. Looking to maybe paint & redo window valances this summer (oh, a good summer GAL )! My little retreat from the world when I need/want to be alone.

[littleGTO]

BTW, I don't plan to interrogate S11 or my other kids to find out info about OW. It just was an easy opportunity. (No 2x4s, ok?)

[JuneReN]

LOL!! I probably would have done same, so who am I to talk lmao!!

I am just painting bedroom now, claiming it as my own

You know, you don't have a lot of money, but you can just chill and workout and spend time with the babies. Focus on you.

Glad H kept his word. Makes it easier to trust the next time.

[littleGTO]

Have two appointments set up next week for talk to L's. Just free initial consultations to find out what my rights are and to get some questions answered. Do any of you have suggestions of things I should cover?

This is going to be hard to do but I feel it's time. Just for information. To protect me & my boys if this ultimately does end in D.

Journaling-
Went for a long bike ride on my new bike--felt reeeeeallly good. At the end of my ride I did a loop around my neighborhood & ran into an old, very good friend I have lost touch with (hard to believe I lost touch w her as she literally lives a stone's throw away, but our lives deviated in different directions).

Anyway, she one of those people that I can pick up where I left off many years ago. So, I ended up telling her about my separation (probably not a shocker as she drives by my house every day and sees my H's truck not there).

I even included some details (about OW) that I hadn't intended on telling just anyone. But I do trust her not to tell others (she has always be very trustworthy in the past & has divulged skeletons in her closet to me as well).

It felt good to talk to her and now I feel I have one more friend that I can turn to or go out with and don't have to worry about what I'm not saying (as in withholding info about our separation).

Had little contact w H this week and I have been doing okay. Not great, but okay. It's a start. Of course when I see him & we interact I never know how it'll go with my emotions.

Canceled a GAL activity for me tomorrow night to host a campout in our backyard for S11 and friends.

Unfortunately it looks like rain & he is soooo distraught as it's the one thing he wanted to do over his vacation & it "won't be the same" to sleep anywhere else but the fort that he & his friends created in our back woods.

So, a little dr."ama at bedtime over the lack of control of the weather! sigh.

GOing out w a friend tomorrow night. Oh yeah, yesterday when we swapped kids at the baseball field I let H know I was going out w a friend on Saturday night. He asked, "Who?" I said, "You don't know 'em." He said,"It's a HIM?!" I said, "No, it's a girl."

Then he got aggrevated and started walking away & said something like, "not this again" ...meaning that I didn't easily give him details of my night out w/o him asking questions.

I did think it was interesting that he was at all concerned or bothered asking questions about me going out & w who. I'm not reading into this but it is SOMETHING that he seemed a little bothered by me possibly going out w another guy.

Of course part of me started wondering WHY he reacted...would this make it finally okay for him to start dating OW??? Okay, STOP, turtlegirl, this is NOT healthy to mind-read.... sigh.

[JuneReN]

Seriously Turtle, my H always wants to know, and doesn't seem like it is a big deal. I don't ask him about his life, why should he feel the need to ask about mine? I don't get that either.

That would be the reason no one knows of my date on Saturday afternoon except my dental hygienist (long story).

I think, to an extent, our Hs feel a lot of guilt. If they could see we "moved on" it would solidify their thinking in that they were right to go and OW is okay, because now we have someone too.

[subguy]

I think, to an extent, our Hs feel a lot of guilt. If they could see we "moved on" it would solidify their thinking in that they were right to go and OW is okay, because now we have someone too.

DING DING DING, winner winner chicken dinner!!! At least in my opinion, everything they say is all based out of guilt and shame. They know they are blowing up a family so... guilt and shame. Throw in a good dose of fear and the inability to cope with life and we get a mess. However we must move on in a loving way, call it karma or whatever I think we get what we project out. If we project love and kindness we will get that back. We just have to learn to deal with disappointments and setbacks in life. Hugs turtle

[Breakdown]

Who knows, for all I know maybe it is already a PA and I've been a fool for months! (Again, I don't think so).

I just got proof of my W's PA after arguing for years about it, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Looking back, the things that jump out at me:

- W always had a great excuse for everything
- When W moved out for a week last summer, she said if I slept with anyone, she'd want to know, as that signal the end for her
- W has always had high morals. I'm still blown away by someone who hates any shade of "stealing" would be ok with PA (son taking a shirt from lost and found = stealing to wife and she's really gotten animated about it)
- W basically has a double life. She's the great mom and wife around us and the people in our life, but she's spending an enormous amount of time with OM
- W got better and better at hiding affair

As for me, I wanted to believe her....every time. And so I did.

My point here is not to say your H is or isn't. But trust your gut feeling on it. If you think there is, there probably is. You don't do yourself any favors by convincing yourself otherwise.

[JuneReN]

(((BD))) (((Turtle)))

Oh for goodness sake! Hugs for everyone!! (Snoopy dance )