Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Good Morning.

AJ - I took some time to think about what you said in your last post on my thread.

I am trying to be honest with myself and what I want, and to be honest, I am so confused on what I want.

There are just some days I don't want to let him go and others I want to be so free of him and I am so sure of my next steps to move forward.

If I think honestly to myself, I want my husband. I just don't want all the burden, stress, and anxiety of what comes with Standing and dealing with an MLC raving lunatic.

I see all the mistakes I have made in DB'ing. I see all the mistakes I made during my marriage. And I can't seem to find solid ground to stand on to fix them, rather than I slip back and forth between the two paths...

It has been a tough road getting used to things being a single mother. It has been tough being alone and not having my best friend (H). It has been tough not having the love of my husband who I loved so much. It has been tough missing my kids when they are away. It has been tough dealing with H's demanding, condescending, childish, arrogant attitude. It has been tough dealing with his antics and pain and destruction.

I know we are all dealing with these problems, and that I am not special in this aspect. I was just so happy with my life and could not have asked for anything more, and that was all taken away in an instant.

I am still trying to figure out what I want, and I am stuck. I have been praying to GOD so hard to lead me down the right path. I have listened and heard nothing...so I that is what I do...nothing.

I have kept myself so busy with GAL. I have tried to be the best Mom I can be to my kids during this time. And I do see that my children and I have grown closer through this.

I have to start taking care of me better. And that means stop. I am on go, go, go mode all the time. My mind and my body.

Prayers that I can keep going and be the woman I can be. One that my husband will want to return to some day. One that my kids will be proud of. One that I will love more than anyone else does.

Sorry for the rant and pity and confusion this morning. My heart woke up so hurt and damaged this morning, that it made me re-evaluate everything again.