M, Everything you described in your last posting screams mlc. The death of a parent can trigger a mlc because it causes the child to look at mortality and begin thinking about his/her life and what she's accomplished or didn't accomplish.
The unhappiness in the job arena is another mlc trait. She may even begin to think about changing jobs and this could go on for several years w/the job hopping. She will be looking for change in all the wrong places, when, in fact, happiness comes from within.
She will work through her issues in her own time. Her clock is very, very slow and will not be set to speed up to meet your clock. Unfortunately, you didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. Her issues run deep and they all began as a child when she wasn't validated, affirmed and recognized by an authority figure. Abandonment issues come to forefront if this happened to them as children, the same would also apply to abuse issues.
When she speaks of being miserable about life and the marriage, you can something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it go. Unfortunately, how she feels right now is her right to own it and she's looking at life through rose-colored glasses. You, on the other hand, are living in the real world and know what your marriage was like. You can defend your marriage and yourself until the cows come home, but she will not agree w/you right now. It's the depression talking and until she works through her crisis, she may very well feel that the marriage did make her miserable.
Right now, she does see you as a friend, not a husband. Treat her as a friend, listen and validate, keep your expectations at zero and accept her for who she is today and not who she was pre-crisis. Your w is now the mirror image of the person you knew, i.e., the exact opposite.
The most important thing to do is detach, allow God to work on her and take care of yourself. Allow her to come to you and have a safe place for her to land. Sit quietly and the answers will come. When you question them, it comes across as challenging them. You'll get more answers from her if you sit quietly and allow her to come to you when she needs to talk. Come here if you need to vent, chat or ask questions...it is far better to do so than to try to get answers from your w right now.
Please read the resources that Cadet provided to you. Some of the questions you have may be answered after reading them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
