your posts reveal a long history of a dysfunctional, very unhappy marriage. Your children know this. Trust me...they know.
Yet you cling to an image that isn't real, and ironically you deeply fear losing it. But I think it's an illusion. Has it ever occurred to you that there's not a lot to lose here?
You wrote:
So[b] what does one do with all the pain and loss and memories that occasionally surface? The thought of our family being torn asunder, no longer all living in the house here, the kids coming home, the sounds they make upstairs, their positive energy, gone, time grinding it all to nothing, this beloved house with all of its nooks and crannies, made for us, rips my heart out, knocks the breath out of me, death.
Do you hide this? Can it be transmuted? [/b]
You process the losses and treasure the memories. Even In an ideal happy marriage, children still grow up and move, and have their own families. Your son is already on his way out b/c life is growth and change (it should be).
Then their children take up their time, as do their jobs, their marriages, etc.
YOU move along in life showing them that aging is not a slow death, but A LIFE still being lived.
Luke, your posts reflect a lot of depression in you. Your marriage has been in a coma for a long time.
I don't see any risk to you changing your ways. The downside of not changing is that you will still be half alive and half...not so much.
LIfe is NOT all about loss.
You asked: Why is life repeated losses? How on earth does one keep a PMA?
I am so humbled by and grateful for all you have given me - all of you -
So I think I'm going to re-post this from my own thread.
It's about a woman I met at EE, a few decades ago.
"Adinva, you and Val and KG reminded me of her when she/you said that pain is something you need/want to get through.& NOT avoid...
You reminded me of a great woman named Carol. Carol is the woman with the best attitude towards life of anyone I know. (& I met her at the Essential Experience workshop, btw).
The day Carol turned 16, her parents gave her a huge catered "Sweet 16" birthday party, with a band and all. Tons of people. Carol's brother was close to her and he was to drive down from college for the big party.
On the way to it, he got into a car accident and was killed. The parents were notified during the big party & Carol thought the police were there to quiet the party down.
The parents were bereft but did not know what to do. Rather than announcing the death of their only son to the party, or ending their daughter's big night, they carried on for 2 hours until the guests had left, only to finally tell Carol why her brother had not arrived....
Years passed, and Carol married a really nice guy. They had a cute little son, who got Juvenile diabetes at age 5. They said "it's a disease that is manageable...we just have to learn how to manage it and then teach him."
Then they had a baby girl. At age 3 months she got a cold that went to her lungs and she could not shake it. Damage was done to her lungs and eventually she was put on life support. She was not going to live.
The doctors said their daughter could not live long once disconnected to the machine. They withdrew life support and Carol held her baby girl in her arms. She suddenly felt the urge to nurse her baby as it "seemed like the natural thing to do". So she took off her shirt & bra, not caring who saw what. The baby nursed vigorously for awhile, then more slowly and then, quietly, and gently she passed away into the night, while in her mother's arms.
I was pregnant when I saw Carol after her d's death. I eventually shared with her that her loss terrified me. I said I felt that it would not be a survivable event for me, but for the son we also had.
I said, "I'd feel as if life was a beautiful painting and now someone threw a big glass of red wine on it and it's ruined forever."
Carol said "No my life isn't ruined. I've had pain in it.
But life is more like a tapestry. If you get close up to it you can see the flaws and the textures and there IS pain...but if you stand back and look at the whole thing, the textures and flaws add to it.
Pain is just a part of my life but my life is still very beautiful. I learned to get through the pain and I am in touch with how much love & laughter and art & music there is in my life. I feel blessed & lucky."
Carol meant every word.
I'll always recall that conversation nearly verbatim.
...thank you for reminding me of her! _________________________
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
