Unlearning conflict avoidance 4

[25yearsmlc]

Hi sandi2, all,

W had been being nice, sharing, and it seemed like my acting confident may have had something to do with this. It seemed like continuing to be so and perhaps extending my behavior would amplify this, but I wasn't sure how, and so it felt like no improvement was happening, hence the stalled feeling. Everyone being home for Easter vacation didn't leave me room to read and plan much, though it is great to have S and D here. Cunningham's list of attractive masculine qualities can help with setting goals here.

Yesterday was not such a good day. W casually mentions that she wants to go to bank to talk loan for house renovation. I counter with our realtor friend first saying we would not get the costs back to then saying maybe we might; W replies "of course we should renovate", and that I should not expect her to come back next year to paint if I then renovate next year (so message is, again: she is leaving). I then counter with what about splitting the costs over two years (advantages: cheaper due to tax breaks for each of us, and also that it requires W to stay at least a part owner of house for full cost reduction; I think keeping her as part owner may tie her to here and so by extension me. She could still sell, not get a tax deduction next year, and want her money now. My plan is currently to go to full loanable amount (we have room to easily loan as we have paid off a lot on house), part for the first half of the renovation, and the remainder for part of her payout).

Feel like my not improving my behavior further has caused this painful relapse into "I am leaving" on her part.

How easily words can upset me! Still not detached enough. She wants to go to bank today (it is 5am Friday morning now) to ask about loan.

D is now accepted to good high school in Stockholm, an hour away by train. W, if she really moves out (and she said this factually, without passion), will presumably want to be closer to Stockholm, as it is closer to her work also, and hence it will be much easier for D to stay with her (they are very close anyway). What will I do in a large, empty, house? D is something of a lifeline for me.


Keep it alive. You CAN...

On the other hand, W, D and I drove to Stockholm yesterday, in the car, with no problem. Had a not bad time, at a plant nursery even (so she is still interested in gardening! mixed message! is she leaving, yes, no? is it just because she plans to be here for the summer and then leave anyway?) and then lunch and a museum.

Also on the other hand, we have booked tickets for the US trip, 10 days in Wyoming and Utah, together, with no having to time share the kids. W also asked if we should have a brunch for some friends next weekend. W is tough, organized.

If she will do this to me/us, I will do EE (I have still not booked flight to it, which extends my stay abnormally long this time in US, and may produce questions; must get this cleared up). W will not respect weekly group support sessions that EE continues with, viewing it as weak and an invasion of privacy.


WHOAH???

ARE You are going to Essential Experience ("EE") ? That's WONDERFUL!

And if your wife knew anything about it, she'd see how much strength it takes to get through it. OMG it's not easy work.

She's so NOT in touch or clued in with what it is about. Did she even read about it on their website? It's NOT Landmark or EST...

BTW, Is she going?

Oh, also, We have some online and phone support groups too, btw. And they are all free.

And there are many business support aspects that are mutually beneficial so it's hardly a "weak" thing to do. It's smart business and it's part of building a supportive community in our lives.

WE ALL must do that. That's what THIS online board is about. People helping others, for the sake of it.

EE is life changing, if you let it be. Your level of participation will determine what you get out of it.

The value of EE will be revealed in the changes you make.

IF you were to "chart it out", you'll see that you can make several small incremental changes, and then years later, - find yourself in a much different place than you would have been if no changes had been made.

Did you read about Essential Experience from one of my posts or from Power Of Now, or Autumn Leaves or Navyguy?

I'm thrilled you are going, and I'm hopeful. I think your confidence in how good a man you are, just as you are, will be enough for YOU to be happy, with or without your w.

What I sense in your posts is that you are attaching your future happiness to HER choices. Please do NOT do that.

That's no way to live...

Luke, even if you were happy together and not so desparately lonely and fearful...you know, she could die.

What would you do then? Surely not curl up and die. So...please

Luke, do this "exercise" for a few minutes please....just let yourself

Imagine your life without your wife...but with you being happy.

Now, what does it look like? Are you changing careers?

Where are you living? What types of hobbies are you taking up? Learning a new language or taking a class? What are your fav night time activities? Are you in a relationship with a new woman? How does SHE treat you? (Remember this exercise is for you to imagine life without your wife, but with you being happy in it...)
So are you JOINING a club or organization or team? Are you coaching or teaching or Volunteering somewhere, or playing an instrument, painting, what?

Luke, what does happiness to you, on your own, look like to you? It's crucial that you can imagine it in order for you to pursue and implement it.

So now, which of those^^^ things, can you do NOW?

What parts of it can you create for you?

Remember that your children will see what you DO and how you ACT and believe in it, far more than what words you say.

Model for them, a man willing to take charge of his own life. (That's a focal point of EE's).


(I absolutely believe you must meet new people who don't know your wife or your situations in order to become the new you.

Plus It's harder to revert to old behaviors when the new people in your life have seen the new improved you...whereas the old friends or your w, will resist believing in your changes.

When I GAL, I did it big time. Almost compulsively, but I lived in Alaska and it was in the interior and winter...you are in Sweden...maybe it's like that.

ANYHOW, back to EE...
My h is not the type of man to go to a "personal growth workshop" but we had seen my brother and his wife's marriage AND HIS OWN LIFE, improve so much after they went, that we wanted that too. And Our marriage was not in trouble at the time, btw.

So off I went on my own without h. I was glad to go by myself b/c I had a hard time with his mother. She treated me poorly for reasons unknown to me at the time. And

I knew I'd feel inhibited if H went with me, (other reasons too. Like childhood things I wasn't interested in fully sharing with him...)

So I didn't pursue his attendance at all. I went to EE ( the first time was 2 decades ago) and we figured if I thought it was worthless, we would not have spent so much. But I got a lot out of it and developed more conflict resolution skills in one long weekend, than I had in 2 years of therapy. Plus I go back every few years as a "team" member and it is always a refreshing thing to do...doing team also costs nothing but getting there.

ANYHOW, so I came home from EE way back then, and h decided a few months later that he wanted to go too. When he was there, he said it was "the best gift [he'd] ever been given."

I think sandi's advice about YOU being you and LIKING who you are,

will be advanced greatly by going to EE. And whatever needs changing, will be revealed.



I guess it boils down to detach, detach, detach, hide my pain, GAL more, follow Cunningham list, plan next steps.

Thanks for asking -

Luke

YES--hiding your pain will be easier when it's lessened. And GAL and detaching will help you do so.

I cannot imagine staying this long in such a lonely marriage. Why was that enough for you, for so long?

I guess the real question is where you go from here, "from this day forward." Let me know how it goes with EE...and your life.