You are doubting yourself to the point of not knowing if you've ever known what it is to be a man. It could have something to do with how you've been treated by your W and your father, IDK. But after reading your last post, I'm doubting that you will ever confront your W. You have lived in fear...and loneliness......and settled for whatever was thrown at you. Maybe I've had the wrong approach. I've been suggesting things that clearly are beyond what you will make yourself do. I believe you know in your heart that you aren't going to be different than who you are right now. You always respond very kindly, b/c that's who are you are. But I've been trying to toughen you up and make you act like an alpha male. But I don't believe that's who you are.

Luke is a very kind (and probably good-hearted) man, who is smarter than he let's people know, and is more comfortable with nature than he is with people. With low self-esteem and living in a house where love is not expressed in words or affection......well, it is so very sad.

Luke, I believe you may need to just focus on the things you "can" do. Be who you want to be, instead of who I've tried to get you to be. As long as you feel good about yourself....that is what's important right now. And I believe you have lived in such a bad MR b/c you love your children and don't won't them to have D parents. But the fact is this.......you're dying a slow death a liittle bit every day. You told us things weren't that great during vacation, and the sadness in your post told more. And your kids see this, and it's teaching them some things I don't believe you want for them.

So, while in the USA and Germany, break out and do just what you want to do. It seems that your W is determined to not accept you as you are, so if you don't feel you can change, maybe you should consider letting her go. If a D does come, you may be surprised at feeling free of all the pressure, tension, and how could you be much more lonely than you are in this R? You might meet someone who is better suited for you, if you will just try to meet folks. But there I go again, trying to tell you how to be.

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. I just want you to be happy being Luke.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!