Mandy that is interesting that you would say that about him being down was draining. Early in my sitch when W was distancing and depressed/stressed, I became very needy and sad. This definitely pushed her away. She actually told a mutual friend that initially the problem with her was not me but it had turned into that with my actions. She said that she did not have the energy to deal with all of the things going on in her life and she definitely didnt have the energy to add me into the mix. She was just so withdrawn that I was worried about her and us. And now, for people that have read through my sitch, the rest is history. Thanks again for posting.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
luckily for me, my h said "seeing me cry, made him want to run"... from that point forward, I held in my tears.
I too have yet to read the co-d book. For some reason, its the work I dont seem to want to do for myself, would rather be focusing on h. Time to work on me. I am still learning.
Tx Mandy!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
//On another note, we started a more serious conversation last night...H is researching codependent relationships. Sounds like that is one of his fears...I can see why he worries about that - he had a horrible experience with my leaving, along the lines of life was not worth living. He says he would never go to that place again, but it must still be worrying him a little.//
I was thinking about this as I was trying to fall asleep last night... you are suggesting h's emotions were a mess. What are some of the things he did in the beginning, middle, now that he thinks were good/bad to do? Did he ever move forward and give up on you? or was he hopeful and remained your friend? In the beginning, most of us LBS were pretty pathetic (im sure your h was too), did he get better or did he remain the same? At some point did you feel like you were losing him, and wondered what life without h would be like?.... many q's I know, sorry. Just trying to understand how you two are able to get to this stage from post BD.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Mandy, recently ran across this thread and caught up on your situation. I think that it is great that you are here sharing your side of the story and how you got to where you are at now.
I can only begin to understand how difficult it must be for you to now see how things progress....... Applaud the courage, insight and self-growth efforts....
Thanks for sharing your story.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Great questions! He went for IC, he got out and spent time with friends, he started exercising and feeling better about himself. There was a point where we didn't communicate except for a few messages about shared finances.
At one point, about 6 mos into the separation, he asked one last time if I would reconsider. I assumed he was looking for closure and maybe looking at dating again. So instead of saying "I still don't know", I told him, quite honestly, that I missed him as my friend but not my husband.
He started dating OW about 3 weeks later. After dating her for a few weeks, he started to feel that we might be able to be friends again, none the wiser that I started to wonder about "us" almost as soon as I gave him his "closure". So when we finally met face-to-face after almost 4 months of not seeing each other, he felt some regret from my reaction to seeing him.
After meeting, we started communicating more regularly and he was still seeing OW. Then there was a conversation I had with my grandmother, who had seen my H the day before, and she was trying to tell me that he'd take me back. I argued with her, convinced that I was getting ready to have a convo about divorce...I was sure that he was going to marry OW and I was happy for him. Then one day, I told him about this convo with my grandmother...That's where my story really started
good answers... ok.. next one? like my h, you kept him on the hook, by saying "i still dont know", did you mean that? or were you giving him lip service? and why?
my h, from day one has said things like he will probably regret his decision. that he doesnt know. that he isnt against reconcilliation. that of course he wants a better rel'p with me. that maybe we could get back together, and the lastest one "if we get back together?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Glad to give you my answers. I hope it can help, even just a little.
I wasn't stringing him along, I really meant it. I didn't date the whole time we were apart. I only started looking when I found out about OW. I've always kept my married name, I eventually changed it on Facebook, again only after OW. I felt lost and we tried to make it work together, twice. I saw the only solution we had left was to work on things apart. I said from the beginning that I needed a break & that *maybe* we could get to the point where we could date...
When he sent me the closure message, it took me by surprise. I had had some career instability and was looking at moving halfway across the country - and he never said 'boo!'. I was sure he didn't care anymore. But I really wasn't ready to say 'Sure, let's try again' - so I felt like I should let him go. Letting him go made him feel free, but made me start to miss him more.
It's one of the hardest parts of my current sitch! A year ago he would've done anything to get me back home, and now that he can, he's not sure!
WOW... I would love to know how to get to that point. I really need my h to see what he would "miss" in a life without me. But, super hard to do... we co-own a business together. See/talk about business alot. And, in all honesty my h needs to appreciate what he has with me too. Everyone says its his loss because I am a catch. Even his friends say this to me too. They don't understand what it is he is wanting. (realizing that he couldn't get better than me).
I don't believe my h is interested in other women, at this time. But, he is concerened about appearances of others, himself and me too (as of today... see my post). Health & Death too (fears only 20 good years left.. he is 49)
He always says *maybe* to me too. Tonight he is home alone. Pizza and beer. Why would he rather do that alone when he could be with me? He said he missed doing that stuff with me. WTF? What's so wrong with "trying" with me? He just started texting with my d...i know he is lonely. grrrrrr.
What would you suggest I start doing/trying?
Any/all your comments are sooo much appreciated. I would love to share some wine with you & get in your head...LOL (what part of Canada are you in?)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
oh... one more thing. At 4/5 months, where were you in your journey, your thoughts, actions... and what about h? was he still doing things that put you off? did he do stupid stuff like try to r talk or try to pursue or worse?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
