LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: I'm having one of those days where I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking. When I'm not focused and I relax... I get sad. So I just go, go, go. Then I get tired like today. It's also a "Why?" day. "What was she thinking?". "What do you want from me God?"

I started the morning upset that she spent the AP birthday with her when she didn't spend mine with me in March or our anniversary earlier this month. Like I said before, I knew she was going to go to her... but it really bothered me this morning. I was thinking about how she has this other life in another city with a new relationship and new friends. She has no idea that her "new' friends on her "clean" slate, people I don't even know, found a way to contact me to tell me that they "have watched her in her A with the AP and they knew she was married and thought I should know." (They didn't know I already knew) My point... these new friends of her's don't have any respect for her because they met her as an adulterer. She has no idea they contacted me. She has no idea what they think of her.

I got to work after obsessing most of the night and that control thing creeped in. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to let her know that I knew she went to AP's birthday, that her new friends aren't really her friends at all... So I drafted an email.

I put the email in my draft folder and came back this afternoon. When I reread it... I saw what I was really doing. I made it seem like I was doing her a favor when what I really wanted was to control her emotions to make her feel embarrassed and hurt like I was. It was so pass-aggr!!!! It was jumping off the screen! I was hurt and I wanted to hurt her. That was it.

I deleted the email and stayed NC.