I stuck to my strategy of trying to let her go first, but sometimes she asked me to, so I did. We opened up about how things used to be and what changed over the past few years. It was very emotional for both of us and our therapist did a great job of keeping us on track (mainly me veering, to be honest...) and moving forward. I felt in it that she still loves me and that she is there for us together, although I never heard those words.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
1. Come up with items that you want forgiveness from your spouse for. Meet after the kids go to bed and ask for forgiveness for each item, taking turns. At the end, if there is a big one you think she missed, mention it and give her a chance to respond.
2. He asked us for each of us to pick one thing we would like to do with the other over the next week. My wife said she is really looking forward to going out, just the two of us, to a new restaraunt for my birthday Friday and that if we weren't, she would have picked that. I said that I miss the two of us sitting down a couple nights a week with a bottle of wine after the kids go to bed and just talking. He said both were great ideas so last night we sat down and talked for an hour. Some was surface level but a lot was beyond that and she talked about her plans for her Milwaukee trip next weekend. It was a great talk, just like the old days. We talked a lot in our MC about how much we missed each other and how she had found emotional escape with her close friends, and into her kindle and phone. This felt great and I am really looking forward to tonight.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
One more really cool thing that brought a tear to my eye. This morning, when we were getting ready in the bathroom, she said she already knows one thing she wants my forgiveness for. When I had pneumonia in January and was REALLY sick for a week, she never asked how I was doing and was really irritated at me for being home from work so long. True quote "When I had pneumonia, I only missed a day of work, get off the couch and go in." I never miss work and had a lot of people contacting me to see if I was ok, but not my wife. It hurt me and I told her a few weeks ago when she was unloading on me (see early in my thread, discussion #2).
Anyway, this morning she said that was really mean and she was taking out other resentments she was feeling on me then and she was really sorry "will you forgive me?" If I was a five-digit amputee, I could count the number of times before this that she has said she was sorry for something she did, so this was awesome!
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
JB, really sorry to read this. I have had a perpetual state of feeling nauseated since this hit a month ago. For me it has been a sufficient appetite suppressant, but I have only had to actually vomit once. The stress and the toll it takes is hard to explain.
Good luck from today on.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
That sounds like some good beginnings, write those down on a gratitude list!
I really, really hope the MC gets tings back on track. Not to be negative, or dampen your good feelings, but please keep your expectations in check and reasonable...I only warn because i got "faked out" quite a few times on this journey.
Feel good, keep working on YOU to be the best man you can as you work with W in MC.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You are right, I do need to dampen my expectations a bit, but considering I went in there unsure if we were going to make any progress or if she was even going to say she wanted to try, I can't help but feel good today. But, point taken. After all, my name Charlie Brown came from a previous pattern we had with SSM.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Some expectations (not sure if they are realistic, but they are honest and I am journaling here) that I am looking for this week and at our MC:
1. I would like to hear "I love you" from her that isn't in response to me saying it first. 2. When we do our exercise tonight, I would like to hear a couple items and see that she has put thought into it. In other words, is she "into it" as well. 3. I would like to see that she has put some thought into my bday tomorrow.
Three seems like enough for now.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Personally, I would not be too worried about "how much thought" she puts into the homework or even your b-day.
In my case, and I suspect others have had this same experience, when our MC tasked us with homework, my W did not even put anything to paper, as was asked, for our visit at the next session.
So, I think that if your W even participates in the task, it could very well be a step in the right direction.
Again, this would cater to my LL of Words of Affirmation vs. Acts of Service. In your sitch, perhaps something MORE would be that she "puts thought into it", since she is otherwise, at least in part, participating in the day to day life of the home.
Still, if she has not been actively participating as a wife or partner and she is now doing so... well... like I said, that in itself could be a positive sign.
lol, I think that didn't come out quite right, regarding the LLs.
For ME and my sitch with MC, the task was to write down things we liked about each other. I was actually hoping to hear some words that said she loved me or did not love me or regretted or apologized. What made it even worse, was that she didn't even appear to have gone through the homework, let alone said the words.
KD, hate to say it, but you nailed it. After we put the kids to bed, I thought (based on our discussion last night) that we were going to sit down and do the exercise. She was keeping herself busy doing house-stuff and I sat down with my notebook. She said she thought we could do it "spontaneously" and that was why she did one this morning, that "this doesn't have to be all formal". I sat for a few minutes, then asked her to come sit down. In the past, I wouldn't have said anything and would have let her go to bed, but not any more. That is part of what made this mess.
She said again she thought it was ongoing and I listened and said we discussed it last night, was there something else up? She said no but she would need a few days to come up with hers. I said fine, but I wanted to do 1 or two of mine, and I did two. She pressed me and had a lot of questions on each scenario, but at the end of each she said she forgave me.
She asked for time to come up with hers, so I will try for Sunday night.
CB (laying on his back while Lucy holds the ball)
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
