darth vader and i

[BFloat]

Labug.. You are right. I define myself. I just can't seem to figure out who I'm supposed to be these days.

I feel this immense sense of anxiety. I can't sit too long for fear of my own thoughts and emotions. I feel like I need to constantly be doing something and yet I don't know what to do. I shift from sorting things on the desk.. To doing laundry.. To doing dishes.. To be honest.. Cleaning the fridge may be the first task I've completed in a long while. And even with that I took breaks to do other things. I had to keep reminding myself to go back and finish the task at hand.

My worry is that the minute I stop.. The minute it's quiet and just me.. My mind will start replaying all these different scenarios.. Rewinding.. Fast forwarding.. Editing...

H and I have been exchanging email about the plans. In the last email he said thank you for being a great mom. The only thing I felt was... I don't need to hear you say that. I don't really care what you think. All this anger.. I'm trying to let go of but it's so tied into every other emotion I'm feeling. When he says he's worried too about the kids.. Or that he misses them.. Talks cheap. It's the choices we make surrounding those feelings that are going to matter to the kids..

I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so tired. This was supposed to be a better year. What the heck?