Option 1: continue with my plan/strategy. Be someone only a fool would leave. Do not fuel her fire. 1st Corinthians tells me that love keeps no record of wrongs, that it always hopes, and always perseveres.
Patient endurance. Never give up. So stay the course?
Option 2: further change the dynamics of the relationship, essentially drawing my line in the sand and saying "enough is enough". I want to be friends with her (I want to be MORE than friends with her), but friends don't betray and sneak and plan. Tallula reminded me that I am not her "option." I am better and have more value than to simply be an option on someone else's hook.
Who does Patient Man want to be? Where are my principles? What are my goals? Am I rationalizing bad behavior because of my emotional state?
I am having trouble answering these questions right now.
Tonight, W wants to hang out and watch TV and I agreed to earlier in the week. I have another option to go out with friends tonight, and right now - though I'm not the going out type - I don't really want to be around her. But those are my feelings, and I know feelings change. The truth does not.
Her wanting to hang out may be a good thing. Or she may just be lonely. Or she may just feel guilty about how she thinks I feel given the divorce talk is ramping up and the 60 day term is nearing. That is all speculation that I don't care to expend energy on because I'll never truly know, but those are all possibilities. If I could actually "know", then I would hang out with her if she really wanted to hang out. If it is pity then I don't want any part of it.
I guess my biggest problem with drawing my line in the sand is that I am afraid I will undo the hard work I have put in. Perhaps she does want to spend time with me, and if I react poorly to that it sends a bad signal that could be detrimental to my goal of reconciliation.
Who is PatientMan?
Is he someone willing to step away further when she may be ready to draw nearer, a potentially colossal error in strategic timing? Is he someone who realizes his value and sticks to his principles, sets his boundaries, and enforces them? Is he just a doormat too afraid to make a bold move?
I may be all of these things, I just don't know what to do.
I certainly am not outsourcing my decision making process to you, I am merely looking for the advice of people in similar situations who have an outsider's viewpoint.
Thank you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
