Its all me, me, me!

[mrtwopointfour]

This is an improvement in your M that you want to see. This is good. Now I think you should ask yourself, what can you do to get here? Yes, you cannot control W, but why doesn't she sit in same room with you at night? Is she uncomfortable with you bacause you then try to engage her in conversation? You can control that. You can also take actions to reduce pressure on her, etc. Then if you W sits in the same room, this is a baby step that your actions are working.

This example is a true goal of mine, but its not a simple one. I think mainly its because she wants to prove that this is happening, and this is real. To me and herself. But also to get space away from me, which I respect. To begin with after BD she did sit in the same room, however that soon changed. I do wonder if its because she can sit and communicate online, be it with friends or OM. I know she still does spend time online, and talking to a lot of people by messaging. But I never see her with her phone in her hand, maybe she is telepathic

I'd like to think that she is not spending with me, and also moved out of the bedroom because it would be too easy for her to start to enjoy being with me, or we may end up ML (which is a good 5 months since now). But thats just wishful thinking on my behalf.

However, having skipped past your point. Yes I see what you mean. Its about things I can control, which can create baby steps in M.

[mrtwopointfour]

Just wanted to comment that based on what you say, you seem to think that after a MLC your W would return to how she was before the crisis

I think there is some truth in this. Don't get me wrong, some of the changes in my W i actually like. Some are a bit of a turn on, but others are just pure horrid! My comment on the social networking is probably me just being a bit bitter as its how i found out about OM, and the messages I read will take some deleting from my brain. Before that i had no issue at all with W being friends with both sexes online, never really felt it was an issue. So, i guess its something i will have to deal with if she does come through this and wants to be with me, yet still wants that interaction online.

[mrtwopointfour]

"Goal 2: Detach, Relax, and treat W like a friend or close neighbour. I need to do this to find my humour again and become the person I once was. When I am at work I am funny, relaxed and people listen and respect what I say. When with W I am walking on egg shells, worrying about how to be, not finding my humour, and generally on edge about everything she says. A few weekends ago i said something without thinking about it, and W laughed like she had not done in months. When I try too hard, it comes across as fake and unfunny. Detaching will actually help me with this. I am almost there, but living with W pulls me back in daily - its a constant battle, one that I am determined to win. This will also help me stop thinking about what W will be up to when she goes away or goes out, and who she is really meeting / staying in a hotel with. This is going to be difficult one to achieve, probably the hardest. "


This is the very thing that I have difficulty with. I could post this on my thread and it would sound like my story. You seem like you have come a long way. It is so hard to detach when you are living together, I know. My hurt, which sometimes is projected as anger, really prevents me from trying to be friendly with her.

Keep working on yourself. I know i need to. It already sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

Grizz, just took time to read through the latest on your sitch. Hope you looking after yourself. My W is looking for new job and i am sure once she has it lined up she will be off. But like many have said, maybe its for the best, because living under the same roof is both painful and making it easier for them to keep blaming us for their misery.

[makingmagic]

Hi 2.4, welcome to this side... sorry, I haven't replied yet. Been super busy reading all this MLC stuff. I am anxious to read your thread here, as I think you have posted some stuff that I may gain from... but will have to wait till tomorrow. Kinda late here now. More time for my growth tomorrow (can't do it all today!)


Btw, I really like the title of your thread!

[makingmagic]

Hi again... I too am confused about the goals towards M from the way the book reads. I understand having personal goals. One day, someone will be able to explain it better. Till then, I DB the best I can.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi WFM, I think I am almost getting my head around it. But with 180's, changes, PMA, Goals etc etc its sometimes hard to know where you are with what!

[mrtwopointfour]

I think one way to think about it is personal goals and marital goals. Where the personal goals are thing that will help you long term as you work through the mess we are going through, and the marital goals are smaller goals that we work towards every few weeks to measure our DB success.

[Spartan]

2.4
I'm a little confused on your latest posts/ goals.

Goal 1: Stop thinking about how to become like or better than OM, and also stop trying to be somebody I am not.

Sounds like a goal of what you don't want to be. How about a goal for who YOU want to be?

Goal 2: Detach, Relax, and treat W like a friend or close neighbour

How do you measure yourself against this goal?

What types of things are you doing to accomplish this (i.e. what do you do to relax)?

Detaching as a goal... while I understand what you mean, I think it's a tough goal because detaching takes time and is different for everyone. Every time I think I'm detached I realize I really wasn't and I beat myself up for not being there yet (got the bruises to show it from my last round with the 2x4s). Personally I think goals should be measurable (i.e. GAL 2 nights a week for next month, meditate or yoga 3 times a week for next 2 weeks, read xxx book this week, etc...). Those goals are measurable and will help you achieve what you stated in goal 2.


Worrying about whether your W is sitting in the same room with you doesn't sound like treating her like a neighbor. I get it, you want to be close and have her feel comfortable around you. Right now, thinking about that isn't helping you move forward. I'd rather you move forward so if she ever decides to sit in a room together then YOU feel comfortable and not like you're walking on egg shells.

I also sense a lot of mind reading there. Who cares what she's doing in the other room? What I want to know is what are you doing in the room you're in...

[mrtwopointfour]

Spartan, great reply to my goals - this is why i wanted to post them as I am still struggling a little, so your questions have helped me think a little more

Sounds like a goal of what you don't want to be. How about a goal for who YOU want to be?

It's more like, that up to now I feel like I am bettering myself to beat who this person may be. I know thats crazy, but I feel like i need to be better. You are correct, by having a goal that makes me who I want to be, will automatically do this and is a more positive way of thinking. I need to think this one through, as then its measurable.

Quote:
Goal 2: Detach, Relax, and treat W like a friend or close neighbour

How do you measure yourself against this goal?

Again, good question, i think as you suggest I need to set sub-goals to measure against in order to work towards the detachment. I feel I am getting there, but like you i soon find out I am not!

read xxx book this week

Well we've not ML for 6 months, we all have needs! Sorry, bad joke - could not resist!

I also sense a lot of mind reading there. Who cares what she's doing in the other room? What I want to know is what are you doing in the room you're in...

Yes and no, I try not to, but its always there in the back of my mind. I guess in that respect you are right.

Let me go away and re-address these and respond when I am clearer in my mind.

Thanks for your input - it's helped me see how i need to turn these around to really be about me, me, me.

[mrtwopointfour]

Spartan - I've been away and taken a look again at my goals. Not sure these are quite there yet but I feel better about these. I feel like they are for me.

MAIN GOAL: Become a H only a fool would leave - a much improved version of the person my W fell in love with, a person that knows how to treat W better than any other man, and a person that she admires more than any other man. After all I am the father of her children, what better combination for a H!

Goal 1: Find new 2 new hobbies to be passionate about.
One of these hobbies must be social and one can be done by self

Goal 2: Renew contact with old friends and socialise with them
Meet with friend/s at least once a month.
Talk to friends by email or text at least once every 2 weeks

Goal 3: Improve self confidence and self esteem
Go to the gym at least twice a week
Eat a more substantial diet to increase weight
Drink only at weekends, not on weekdays unless socialising
Take pride in how i look and dress
Make small talk with strangers (not in a wierdo way!)
Learn to accept compliments

Goal 4: Become a financial guru
No spending unless it affordable
Have a debt repayment plan
Log all money spent
Find ways to save money and implement them
Sell anything thats not used / needed on ebay! Sell at least one thing per week.

Goal 5: Enjoy spending time with the kids
Find time to play and interact with them
Be patient with them and find alternative ways of dealing with issues
Be confident about being with both kids on my own
Never see anything to do with kid as a chore. Be happy to have such a wonderful gift.

Goal 6: Be happy, be fun, be funny
We will laugh about something together at least twice a week
I will be happy in front of W 100% of time, unless being compassionate towards her issues, after which - happy face!
I will allow myself to have more fun and therefore inject more fun into the family - once a week we will try and do something different, something a little bit obscure maybe.

Goal 7: Make every minute count
W thinks life is too short. Maybe she is right. W said I was happy to bimble along in life. Not anymore. Even if its meditating, reading, watching films. Mix it up, don't just do things because there is nothing else to do. Fill life with fun.


Anyone is free to critique!