The Finish Line

[JuneReN]

Small update:

Emailed H about expenses relating to kids. Made sure he knew it wasn't a request, but just info, as I have already paid the expenses (since he pays for most of our expenses ie 90%, I always feel he should know what I am doing with all the money )

He said he was tired of being broke and in the hole.

I replied " I hear ya. Separation and divorce are costly buggers, kids too!"

Not too generous of me. He admitted to feeling down and no positives today. So I replied with a kids are awesome, you should feel good to be their Dad email.

I, on the other hand, feel good. Maybe because I am responsible or becoming so, for my own happiness....

[moth76]

IO, your positively and self-realization are an inspiration.

All of the validating the LBS has to do is fine and everything, but it
Also seems like sometimes the WAS needs a cold slap of reality to bring
them out of the mental fantasy land they live in...

[JuneReN]

Oh and a slap it was. Funny, I know he feels my life has not changed at all, and really, except for the gaping hole in my life that his leaving dug, it hasn't (insert eye roll).
I feel how nice it is to be him. Work all day, have nights and weekends to self, no worries, no commitments. Have GF over whenever (not ever a consideration for me, since I would never bring another guy in house with kids here). Go out, do what you want.
But then I realize he has days like this. He must think "was it worth it?"

So, both of us got a raw deal. His a little rawer because he admitted that he expected to be happy when he left. And he is not any happier than before.

So, ya, it is time for a little "Hello....." Come back to the dark side, we have cookies.

[moth76]

Your cookies comment made me absolutely lol. It really is ironic that the WAS claims a need to escape you to find happiness, but in actuality the DBer becomes happy while the WAS continues chasing a fantasy.

[needgrace]

IO, i wonder if the novelty of the new life and a new R feels so exciting at first that it seems to equate for them with real happiness.

i have been thinking that happiness is not my goal, bc it always leaves me chasing something and feeling disappointed when my feelings naturally shift...

i am seeking a way and words to describe for me how to find the balance between acceptance and change in all areas of my life. this is where i am thus far: my new goal is to be true to myself (seek out things which correlate with who i want to be) and to be content with what is.

[JuneReN]

authenticity.

I think though, we buy into what happiness is marketed to be rather than what it means to each of us individually, if you see what I am saying.

[Breakdown]

His a little rawer because he admitted that he expected to be happy when he left. And he is not any happier than before.

I read a study about divorce and happiness....I'll drop in the guts of it:

The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. "Staying married is not just for the childrens' sake. Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold," says Linda J. Waite.

Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while eliminating some stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which an individual has little control that are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. These include the response of one's spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.

So I guess this isn't surprising. Too bad none of them would actually read this and think "maybe I should think this thru."

Same is true in my sitch....W is already stressing about having to pay her own bills, moving to a small apartment, and cashing out savings. I hate to even say it, but she hasn't thought about health insurance for herself yet. I can see her running so fast now, running towards a married man with two handicapped children and thinking, "This is going to be so great!" I say, have fun lady.

[JuneReN]

Ya. Funny how we get the benefit. But I wouldn't have if it wasn't for all the support and advice here.

We think, as LBSers, "what can I do to make this, to make myself better?" The WAS thinks "Aha! THIS will make it better."

[JuneReN]

texting H today, his replies two words to my missives about needing danger pay as a teacher some days.

I realized the short replies have nothing to do with me. Or they may, but guess what? I didn't care

Not as in :P , but as in it didn't bother me, enter my mind, get me on the wheel.

Happy days.

[RealityTrip]

We think, as LBSers, "what can I do to make this, to make myself better?" The WAS thinks "Aha! THIS will make it better."

So true! I was reading DR's chapter on MidLife and thought... as much as this hurts, I'm glad I'm not the MLer! The work I'm doing on myself is hard but rewarding. I think WAS's work (if they ever start) seems scarier. I can't imagine carrying the "Affair Guilt" baggage my WAW might eventually have to haul.