Lol, I don't actually think I'm as dumb as a box of rocks. In answering AJM I was going through all the options I could think of to explain my behaviors/choices and just thought dumb or even crazy certainly should be on the list.
In giving that whole topic more thought yesterday, I think too, that I literally trained myself to love H. And it took years, so unlearning will also take time.
Here's what I mean. When I met my H I was gobsmacked. Head over heels. For one thing, he's very very good looking. (I have witnessed women following him around Target, peeking at him from around corners. Lol - that was hilarious to come across, realize what/who was exciting them so much, clear my throat a little too loudly, walk past them and give my H a hug and a kiss... ) People think he's a ringer for Richard Gere. And OMG the way he treated me when we were courting!!! Yowza!!!
So I "loved" the man I married.
And then.... and then he kept the looks but did a 180 on the treatment.
And then he fooled around on me
And then I had to make a decision. And I decided to stay.
And then I had to make another decision, stay and be bitter/angry or stay and love. And I decided to love.
Actually, I decided love itself was a decision, a choice. More than a feeling. This love, this choosing, I feel is really a better sort of love than the "in love" love.
Every morning I woke up saying to myself "I love my H". And I would repeat this throughout the day. And while I haven't felt gobsmacked in decades, I have truly loved my H. I have cared about, and cared for, him. I recognized he is not perfect and that he makes mistakes but chose to love him warts and all.
That is part of what I find so hurtful about the MLC coldness. I think the descent began as long as 5 years or so ago. That was when not only did H stop saying ILY back to me, he didn't want me to say it to him either. He said ILY should only be said when it was "felt". Well.
Well where would we have been if I had that opinion so many years ago.....
Oh damn it here come the tears. Not what I intended or expected. Sigh.
Oh well. Life goes on. Here's hoping this old dog can learn new tricks. Cheers.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
) People think he's a ringer for Richard Gere. And OMG the way he treated me when we were courting!!! Yowza!!!
