I don't understand why everybody thinks I am "controlling". Of course I am working very hard to be controlling now, I'm doing a 180! I really don't want to get into all the things my family and friends get mad about him for when they say HE is controlling and I need to grow a backbone. Honestly, I don't think either of us is really especially 'controlling"...everybody prefers to "get their way", right? He hasn't complained about me being "controlling," he just wants me out of his life. He doesn't want to see me, talk to me, have anything to do with me, but we have joint custody of a child. The farther away from him I have been, the less time I have spent with him, the more he complains. For 2 years he spent at least 2 hours a day, 5 days a week with me and my daughter, then we went to 2 to 4 hours a week. For the last year and a half, it has probably averaged less than 15 minutes a week because I changed the schedule to suit him, but also so I wouldn't have to spend time with someone who didn't really want to be with me.I never had him accuse me of harassing him or smothering him until I stopped hanging out with him and communicating with him about anything besides our daughter. And when I quit trying to coparent and went to mostly just communicating about drop off and pick up, he got even worse and would accuse me of trying to get close to him through our daughter and wanting to marry him. Just nuts!
Me confronting him and trying to demand that he treat me differently is NOT "more of the same" although he knows have always wanted a good rapport with him.
It is only because my life is entwined with this man that I have decided to take on the responsibility to help him. If he were not the father of my child and if I did not have 14 years of having to deal with him, I'd pray for him and wish him well, but I would not fight like I am.
From "The Miracle Worker: Annie Sullivan: "It's less trouble to feel sorry for her than it is to teach her anything better."
In my case I thought it was easier to cater to him and pity him and try to not upset him than to try to help him learn how to manage his feelings and our relationship better. And I can't really TEACH him, I can only try to facilitate his learning, to support him.
I am not TOTALLY detached, but I think I am detached and indifferent as I can be ans should be under the circumstances.
Today was wonderful. He showed up exactly on time. I had texted him last night asking when I should expect him and for the first time in a month, he wasn't at least 20 minutes late (that is 3 exchanges a week that I wait on him to drop off).
I had told him maybe we needed to work on "exposure therapy" and that spending less time together and in contact seemed to make his anxiety worse, so I was going to do all I could to do the opposite of what I have done this last month. I was going to see him face to face this morning, but I was sick and I texted him and told him I looked like crap and felt like crap and if I was going to see him, I would prefer that it be when I looked good and felt good, but I told him where I would be sitting (out of line of sight of the front door and the day care, but just around a corner, close proximity) if he wanted to make contact.
Interestingly, this morning he texted me "she is in" (he must have made a template of that to tell me when she is checked into the day care)and then started getting a cup of tea but last time, he sent the text after he had left the building, just before getting into his car. I texted him back, "thank you" and got up and looked to the door and there he was leaning over a table, fixing his tea. I would not be surprised if he didn't see me out of the corner of his eye...I was about 12 feet away. If he was trying to avoid me, he would have waited till he was out of the building before texting me, but I had already told him that I didn't care to see him. Anyway, it was nice and peaceful and I think we were all happy. I am glad that things went the way they did.
I have been texting him a lot the last few days...not asking questions, just sharing my thoughts with him. I told him I felt really good about HIM taking the lead in getting on a better track. My therapist told me I should not point out when he is acting "normal", but I do anyway. I told him I was sorry if I made him feel bad...I think it was a mistake to cater to his neuroses...just made him worse and maybe created problems that weren't there to start with. I told him I feel confident that he can lead us back to "normal" and that I don't really want to push. I want to do whatever I can to make things easy and treating him like some kind of freak was not the way to do it...
Now,I know him well enough to know that sometimes he feels "out of sorts" and so am I, for that matter. We can cut each other slack on those days it seems like we're "teething", but I want us to have pleasant exchanges as a general rule. If there is something we need to discuss, we should be able to sit down and discuss it.
