earlier in the year i was in this store flipping through books when i saw a book called "darth vader and son". now my son loves star wars and it's been a private joke that one day my H would look at him and say.. "S i am your father". the first christmas with S, i gave H an darth vader ornament. anyway.. this book was just so cute. and darth vader obviously loves his son.. and then i had an epiphany.. omg.. i married darth vader. the core of him is essentially good but somewhere along the way, he went over to the dark side. what happens next remains to be seen.
my S had a meltdown tonight. as we were coming home, H was leaving for his new place with a couple of boxes. later on in the evening.. S was very sad. i asked him what was bothering him.. and then he said he thinks daddy left him. and it made me so sad. he said he wished he could see him everyday and me too. all i could do was tell him that we both loved him very much.
when i look back at the last 18 months, i can't believe all that has happened. there was a long period of time where i felt ok.. good.. happy even. but those moments of happiness always had an underlying feeling of heartbreak.
when i got home today.. i walked around the house and turned on lights in rooms i wasn't even in. the darkness makes me feel lonely. i need to start painting.. putting up photos.. make this space about the kids and i. i don't want it to be the same for them either.. to have the memory of their dad lingering.
i'm so so sad..
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
