Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby & T.

No contact w OW at park today (I think). I questioned S11 a little about WHO they saw at the park & did daddy talk to any grown-ups or did he play w you guys?

S11 said he played w us some & just watched some. No evidence of OW showing up.

So, I guess I have to trust that H is NOT going to bring OW around the boys as we discussed earlier on. I do think I need to bring this up again in the near future when my emotions can handle things a bit better.

Am started to look forward to/stress a little about summer. H & I both have A LOT of time off, as do boys. I already have two week-long trips planned (well, in my head) with just me and the boys.

Last summer absolutely suxed. MIL was ill & passed away in Aug. BD was in June ("in love" w OW). I spent whole summer in tears--rivers of tears. Don't want this summer to be as awful w a possible D on the horizon (ok, ok, I do NOT know what the summer holds w H, but he has been pretty clear that he has NO INTENTIONS of returning home).

The fact that we are dividing up checking/savings accts right now is a pretty clear indication of the direction he's heading.

Some days I wonder if I will want/ask for a D before he does. BUt, I am not ready (not that anyone is ever ready for D). I do not want a D, but feel that H does (although he's never directly brought this up yet).

Back to summer- lots of TIME on my hands. Good & Bad. I have little money to do things w my boys, but they will be going to some summer camps. I am going to be a leader at S9's cub scout camp (as I have been for several years now).

I don't want to just sit around & think about things all summer long! I do want to move forward for ME!

I feel a bit stuck, but am not sure why. My C says it's b/c of being in limbo & that I want to hold out hope (but I really have very very little hope left).

H is spending A LOT of time w boys this week. We crossed paths for the first time since Sunday (when I was angry & in a very negative place). He seems like the "caged tiger" he used to be living at home the past year before he moved out. Like, too much time around kids is just TOO MUCH for him. Infringes on his "time and space" alone.

Here I think he's LUCKY to be w them all week and he seems to see it as a burden of some sort. I just hope he isn't giving them the same vibe.

Not my problem.

Interesting observation...I went to check this container H used to keep his wedding ring in (he NEVER actually wore his ring) and it was gone! I don't know if he took it w him, it is lost, or he cashed it in somewhere! As my jewelry means SO MUCH to me (yes, I'm a "gifts" girl- my 2nd LL, WoA is first) I am a little anxious about this. DO I ask him about it? Does it really matter to him? Probably not.

I am slowly transforming my bedroom to MY bedroom. New bed set. Moved H's clothes he left to back of closet & moved kids winter stuff in. Looking to maybe paint & redo window valances this summer (oh, a good summer GAL )! My little retreat from the world when I need/want to be alone.