darth vader and i

[BFloat]

thank you everyone for the much needed love. i feel so very much alone these days despite all the people around me. and it helps to have someone listening and understanding what this process is like.

it's hard to believe it's been 18 months already. that's basically half my daughter's lifetime.

today i'm struggling with the fact that despite my own logical mind telling me.. things won't always feel this way.. it gets better.. i still can't see it. it's a cycle i've seen before and yet i can't see past today and the heartbreak i seem to be experiencing over and over.

there are days where i feel like i'm in this dark dark tunnel where i wonder what it would be like to keep driving and never come back.. or if i just closed my eyes what it would be like to not have to open them again.. and i feel this tremendous sense of grief knowing that some people get pushed to that point and what stops me? the answer is always.. my kids. because they are little.. and they need me. and these days.. my whole life is defined by them. because i love them so very much.. and because they are truly what keep me going.

but i find grief in knowing that if my kids were older and didn't need me as much.. the outcome of my story might be vastly different.

i grieve in knowing that despite people being fully aware of the pain they inflict on others.. they are still willing to sacrifice all that in order to pursue the greater need of looking out for #1. this.. "i need to be authentic to who i am.. what i want.. to be true to my self even if it means hurting others" mentality that allows people to justify even sacrificing their children's wants and needs.

i am wallowing in my own self-pity. allowing my mind to entertain questions like.. why am i not good enough? what have i done to deserve this?

i need some new clarity.. a sense of direction. i realize that the only way for this to have happened is for H to leave. because while he's here.. everything remains the same. but it hurts like hell. knowing that there is an OW... being aware that he sees this OW more than he sees his kids.. oh there is just so much.

it makes me wonder.. why has he been staying here all this time? he disappears on his weekends off.. why doesn't he stay with this OW during the week as well? what kind of woman sees this as an attractive quality? a man who is ok with being a part time father.. a man who despite separating from his wife 18 months earlier is only starting to get his life started by getting his own place?