confusion...

[willbwell]

so D says to H on the phone... don't be up too late
He should take her advice and stop messing around.

[~ kd ~]

it is OK for you to have those down days.

How is that negative, self talk working for you?

Yes, it svcks and hurts. Do what you need to work through that.

In the mean time, what have you done to pamper yourself? To GAL? To work on your PMA? If nothing recently, what are you planning, or could you plan, on doing to move forward towards a great life?

[willbwell]

Some days are good. Thru this I am becoming a much more spiritual person. Asking for God's help daily! I love my kids. I have great family and friends. Know I have a lot of positives. H was here last night. Came to see D& S before leaving town for 4 days. It was pleasant, casual. sat down at the dinner table with us. Put D to bed( she is like a 5yrold) He did ask my plans for the week ahead. Wish I had had a better answer, I replied oh, the usual stuff. I've joined a new book club, doing yoga more. I went out last weekend with GF'S. He had taken kids to dinner so did't see how nice I looked before I left. He was gone by the time I got back. I make a point to look good when he comes over(put on makeup-never did in the past!)There is no communicating at all. Only talk about kids schedule...He doesn't like to talk about his work...His best friend growing up was in town last weekend. I went to see him and his daughter. H did not. He doesn't talk to anyone. He has taken off his ring. That happened after I let my anger get the better of me and blew up at him. I later apologized. Said anger solves nothing. ( that was a couple of weeks ago. I still have my ring on. I sent him a text and said that we are still married and it is a symbol to me. He was so worried about people at work knowing his business and knowing about A. Guess not now...I am sad for H. I do see sadness in his eyes when he is here. I am sad for my children. That this choice of his has now given them less of his time.

[willbwell]

I read others threads and sits. Its all so overwhelming to me.

[~ kd ~]

I know you asked earlier about getting reminders why not to bring up the OW subject. There are a number of psychological reasons for not doing so. The most important one, FOR YOU, is that anything to do with the OW (at least for now) is painful for you. Also, there is nothing you can do to stop him from being with OW.

Rather, remember to stay focused on yourself, your 180s and your GAL.

Also, as much as you are growing and are a person that only a fool would leave, remember that conversations or "things" can feel like pressure to the WAS. There may be two huge elephants in the room, and you are not ignoring them, rather you are shining lights on the positives in your life. This will go a long way to help you, and can possibly help save your M.

[willbwell]

Around the H I am pleasant, busy, matter-of-fact. Its here on this board, with my IC, with my sister, that I let my bitterness and anger and deep sadness out. I turn to God when it becomes too much.

[willbwell]

wanted to send a text, came here instead. Trying to leave him alone. Miss my H- the one who was before all this craziness!
So strange how one goes from being lifelong partners to acting like aquaintences.
I am doing for me and the kids. Some hrs, I am so strong and ready to move forward others I become overwhelmed with grief. I know its a process.
Really he was a good guy, my H. I know the OW is not really the issue. I think I feel sad/mad that she is getting his good qualities...he's funny, sexy, passionate. He doesn't care to be with me anymore. I also am fun, sexy, passionate, but I let life and daily routines get in the way. Its reality. Life is not all fun and games. he doesn't want the responcibility of daily life. He wants to just do his own thing.

[AnotherStander]

So strange how one goes from being lifelong partners to acting like aquaintences.

Isn't it the truth!!! 10 months post-BD for me and I STILL can't wrap my head around that. How does someone go from being super-intimate with one and only one person- sharing EVERYTHING, saying I love you, making love, talking about the smallest details of the day, to literally overnight shutting the door on all of that and becoming little more than "somebody that I used to know"? The human mind is very strange and unpredictable, that's all I've got to say!

[Mylifex6]

Im just a young idiot that has been through divorce with a child and an aweful co parenting relationship but i will give you my .02 when it comes to the kid, cause it worked for me.

Kids are very intelligent. They see through everything. The decision i had to make was to ignore and NOT comment about the other parent. My ex has attacked me from all angles with our child and now she's 12, see's it clearly and the best part....she did it on her own and i cannot be blamed by the child for any negetive influence. I supported my daughter and talked when she needed to but I never blamed the other parent. i always stuck to talking about the behaviour and spoke about it in a human being tense if that makes sense. Like "sometimes humans act like this when this might be going on". I gave her just enough to think about and make her own conclusions. Though out the whole thing, she has ALWAYS relied and made comments about how she can always trust me for direction.... Not so much w/mom.

Also, getting a schedule together for your H to see the kids is important for the kids and you. If your kids know when they are going to see him or should be anyway, they will have routine in their lives, they need it. You will get some stability in your routine, you need it so youknow when you can spend time on you and on the kids.

Might make him think as well..... Again..just my .02.

[willbwell]

daughter(who is cognitively like a 5 yr old) says mom and dad should go to dinner. Usually I say, well it's nice for you to spend time with dad. I've got some work at home that I need to do. She will say she wants dad to live here( in our home) I'll say, dad has an apt. But she'll persist and ask why... Whatvdo you guys with younger children say to your kids? Sometimes I do feel put on the spot. I've responded before that she will have to ask dad that. My boys don't talk about the situation at all. S 16 says it doesn't bother him.
S 16 has 3 out of town competitions coming up. H is going this wend. I'm volunteering at an auction event so can't go. I would like for us to all go to the next 2. Haven't brought it up to h yet... Maybe won't if it's pursuing.... Just feel it would be nice for us all to be there to support s.