I will make this a little more simple than going point for point in your other two posts.
Just so you know, I accept that D4's dad could be a complete nutbag...
that said, I do my best to remain subjective. Many people are simply misunderstood.
Regarding the schedule, how far in advance do you KNOW what you might be doing with D4? There are a number of online (and free with advertising) parenting or family calendars. It could go a long way to help you and D4's dad work out when D4 is available.
Are you worried that he might take you to court on custody? Why?
I think we're getting into some really good stuff, here.
Are you indicating that you are generally a free spirit and work hard to help everyone get what they want? Do you find that you have trouble enforcing your own boundaries? Does it bother you that even though you can understand someone else' perspective, that no one seems to appreciate yours?
Basically, if you were to chart out what he wants and what you want, there's probably very few "sticking points". You may find that the two of you agree on more than it seems, it's just that the ones where there is friction are very prominent.
What would YOUR boundaries be?
How do they conflict with what you feel HIS boundaries are?
As far as passive-aggressive, I'm not suggesting that it IS passive-aggressive, so much as it could APPEAR TO BE passive-aggressive.
Do you find that when you want something, you form a picture or mental story board on how it would look, for you?
He is a good man. I love him. He is a good father. My daughter loves him. He is very complex and I believe he is misunderstood and he doesn't even understand himself. It isn't my intention to vilify him.
He's not going to mess around with any online calendars. I am going to stand my ground on this point. I expect him to communicate with me about drop off/pick up. Like I said, I will leave the onus on him and see how it goes. But part of my feels like that is the wrong thing....it is giving in to his "don't ask questions" and I think that is silly. I guess I will just make assumptions unless he informs me otherwise.
I do think he might take me to court. I don't think a judge would make any changes, though.
I do try to make people happy. I am easy-going in general, but I do have boundaries. I try to understand people and in general I don't feel like I have problems understanding OR being understood. But in this relationship, I am having a very hard time understanding AND being understood mostly because there is no effective communication.
Really, my big issue is with his ATTITUDE. Since we are parallel parenting, we aren't making decisions together. I know I want to home school and he doesn't want me to...that will be a big blowup, probably. We might have to go to court over that. I may lose. I'm building a case.
I just think if people have conflict, they should work together to resolve it. I can't imagine why people would WANT to have a BAD relationship/feelings toward someone they are connected to by family.
I can pretty much "paint a picture" of what I hope to achieve. I can "see" what a civil and respectful relationship is. I have experienced it before with him, so it isn't hard to bring it to mind. I can actually remember a warm, loving, intimate relationship, but I can't picture ever experiencing that in real life with him again. He has been civil and respectful and cooperative since he dumped me, so I guess that is why I think we can expect to achieve it again.
I'm shooting in the dark. I just wanted to share my plans and my experience. I do think this is a pretty unique situation, but I do think a lot of people give up when they should be tenacious like Annie Sullivan.
