The Miracle Worker

[tnmom66]

Maybe I'm not clear on something. What kind of "rules" does he keep changing?

He tells me to do one thing, then he decides he wants me to do do something else and he keeps moving the boundaries. He tells me he wants to coparent and keep him involved in our child's life when she is with me, make decisions together, etc. Then when I have an issue to discuss with him, he refuses to discuss it with me, tells me it is "bullshit excuses" to try to get him to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him. I am totally transparent and if I want to talk to him, I'll just tell him I want to talk to him. I am not going to use HER as an "excuse". He says he wants to keep schedules flexible and communication open, yet he won't tell me in advance what the schedule should be..."I'll let you know"......and he won't answer my texts or phone calls on a regular basis.

[quote=Kaffe Diem]Yes, as your therapist indicates, trying to make him happy is possibly pursuit behaviour. It can also possibly be co-dependent behaviour.

Oh, yes, I have had a lot of co-dependency issues. But what is wrong with just trying to give a person what they say they want? Why does that have to be twisted around and assumed to be some unhealthy behavior? I always try to do good and do things to help other people be happy. I try to be nice to everyone. I do not believe that is a bad thing and I do not plan on stopping. I do not have problems in other relationships, just this one.

What are your therapists thoughts on how you can change your approach in order to solve these problems?

My therapist isn't God, but I pray and seek guidance from God as well. My therapist is the one who told me to go live my own life and quit trying to make this guy happy and to stop some of my codependent behaviors. Basically, he has told me to not expect this guy to change. He didn't tell me something horrible will happen if I try, he just thinks I won't accomplish anything. The best thing my therapist has helped me with is getting control of my emotions. It took me a long time to understand that other people don't "make" me crazy, I am actually choosing the way I respond. I was in really bad shape in August....I wanted this guy DEAD because I was so frustrated with how he kept complaining even when I wasn't doing anything for him to complain about. I didn't see any way out and I didn't think I could survive another 14 years of being attacked like I was. It took me about 3 or 4 months of really hard work and using Lucinda Basset's program on anxiety and depression before I felt like I really had control over my emotions. I'm backed against a wall now and I can't do anything else to try to make him feel better, so I thought my 180 should be to start pushing back. And something important to remember is that MY therapist is looking after ME, my exbf is NOT his concern. But my EXBF doesn't have anyone trying to help him except me. I have to do the best I can. My therapist doesn't seem to think my exbf's problems are mine to solve, but if I don't reach out to help him, nobody will and he has been suffering long enough.

So, are you saying that there is no parenting plan in place?

Then, why are you chasing him (more pursuit behaviour) to work on the schedule. The onus should be on him to let YOU know when he wants to visit with D4.

MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT. I WILL TRY LEAVING IT UP TO HIM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, BUT IT CAN BE QUITE INCONVENIENT FOR ME. HE LEFT ME WAITING 4 HOURS ONE TIME WHEN I LEFT IT UP TO HIM. I THINK HE BASICALLY INTENDS ON DROPPING HER OFF AT 10:30 ON WED AND FRIDAY AND HE CAN LET ME KNOW ABOUT FRIDAY PM AND SAT A.M. I WON'T ASK HIM ANYMORE UNLESS THERE IS AN ISSUE, BUT IF I DON'T ASK HIM ABOUT VARIATIONS AND MAKE ARRANGEMENTS, SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET INCONVENIENCED. I DON'T CARE IF IT IS HIM, BUT I DO CARE IF IT IS ME OR MY FAMILY.

[quote=tnmom66]I do not believe that we cannot control others. I believe we can influence some people in some ways some of the time, if we know what buttons to push. I am only interested in a win-win situation and right now we are in a lose-lose situation.

ouch... that appeared to me, to be a very contradictory paragraph.

In my experience, one of the biggest challenges most people have is accepting that a solution or path to a solution that does not look like we imagined, can still be OK. People seem to feel that win / win is black white and everything that does not look like what we hoped win / win would look like, is suddenly dropped into the loose / loose bucket.

Oh, it has taken me a LONG time to learn to be content with my circumstances. My life is NOTHING like what I had anticipated. I have had a lot of disappointments, but also a lot of blessings. I don't think we ever get everything we want. Life is full of disappointments. If both parties can find a way to live relatively peaceful lives, that is win-win. It is not win-win when I enable someone to be inconsiderate and disrespectful and uncooperative of me. I won't stand for it. Like I said, I have been pushed against a wall and I am going to push back, at least for a while. This man is very lonely, disconnected, frustrated. He doesn't know how to feel differently. If I can help him to learn to relate to me in a healthier way, we can have a healthier relationship and we will both be happier. Life won't be perfect, but I think we will have more peace.I don't want to drag him forever.

Did you watch "The Miracle Worker" with Anne Bancroft? 1962? It's my inspiration.

If I can help this man learn some relationship skills, he might actually have a mutually satisfying, healthy, normal relationship with a woman someday...the one thing that has eluded him his whole life. If I can help him get to that point, I will feel like I have served a great purpose in his life. He and I will never be able to have a romantic relationship ourselves, but it is my hope that we can be civil and cooperative in our parenting relationship.. You have no idea of how unhappy he is right now. It hurts me to see him like this and I have to try to help him.