tnmom, I do want you to know that I empathize with your sitch. A lot of what you've written is very telling.
I do want to ask you, has your entire relationship with him been you steamrolling him?
You appear to be a very strong character. I do understand you are frustrated right now, but it seems like for the entire relationship with him, you have "directed" all things in the relationship. Your entire focus right now appears to be pushing your will and desire on him and how custody and visits with D4 will go.
Do you make the majority of the decisions around your custody and visitation with your teen kids and ex?
No, no, no. This is a DRAMATIC change in my attitude and also in what I plan to be in my behavior, as well. How can I be "directing" things when I have catered to almost all of his whims? I stood up to him when he said if I ever get married or have another man around our daughter, he'll see a lawyer to get full custody. When he said, "Don't ask me questions about my work, my family, my friends, or soccer" I didn't. He had previously talked very openly about these things, but I recognized it as a boundary. He doesn't answer the phone when I call him, but when he called me when I was at the gym and I didn't get back to him within 15 min or so (my phone was in the car), he left work in the middle of the morning and drove to my house and was sitting in my drive way when I got to my car at the gym and returned his call.
He is a very complicated person. I read "Men Who Can't Love" before I got pregnant with him (my pregnancy was an unwelcomed surprise!) I knew that we could never have a truly healthy and satisfying relationship of any kind, but I thought we could both settle some, for our daughter's sake.
For the first 3 years, things were mostly okay and for several months at a time we were actually pretty "friendly" but we ran into problems when I wanted emotional intimacy and affection and he didn't want to give it to me, but he didn't want me getting it from anyone else, either.
My ex husband and I make decisions together and rarely disagree. Usually when we disagree, he is the one who "wins".
I am really one of the easiest people in the world to get along with.
I am not just frustrated now for myself, I feel HIS pain and frustration. I feel HIS cry for help. i might be TOTALLY off base, but this is a 180 for me. I am going to fight FOR him and hope I fight harder than he fights AGAINST me. I love this man and he is a good man and a good father and I feel like nobody has stood up to him/for him.
I want to solve problems. I want to make things better. I want to bind up wounds. This man acts the way he does because he doesn't know how NOT to.
I am shooting in the dark, but I do feel very much like I might finally be on the right track. Actually, I could not have taken this approach a year or two ago, I needed him and wanted him and it was hard for me to respect his boundaries. It hurt me that he built all these walls. Now I have a certain detachment that helps me respond to him more objectively. MY feelings and desires are not so important anymore. When I realized how much HE was hurting and how his anxiety is eating away at him, and how his games might actually be "cries for help"....well, it's much more about HIM and much LESS about ME than it would have been 2 years ago.
