Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Seems like ages since I last posted, but I see that it really hasn't been that long. Cutting to the chase, I filed on April 11. On March 23, W said she might, maybe, sorta wanted to work on the M, but only after she spoke with her IC and absolutely no promises. I could hear the anguish in her voice for just mentioning it. Then I heard nothing for 2 weeks.

We tried to have a conversation on April 9, but she continues to sound like the most annoying broken record imaginable. The on-going rewriting of our history; my ever increasing list of faults (sorry about the Hindenburg everybody, my bad), abuses, and actions that prevented her from being happy; and just plain nuttiness have taken their toll on me. If I never have another 'conversation' with this woman, it will be too soon.

I struggled in mid-March with feeling like I needed to run as far away as I possibly could. I even put in some job applications that would take me several states away. I've calmed down a little and decided that as hard as it is to stay here being reminded of all the good times (and now some very bad)and to sometimes run into her in this small town (though I see her less than a week usually), my kids need me. They really, really enjoy spending time with me and depend on me for things that go way beyond finances. They are the one good thing I've got going for me now. It's just how I feel, though I know it's an exaggeration. Unfortunately, my work ethic and PMA are still in the pits, but on a positive note, I give a sh#t about it. It's something I know I have to and want to work on, which is an improvement.

I'm sorry it's come to this. I wish I had the strength of some of you DBers out there. I think you are either married and committed or your not; and W is most definitely not. My ego and self-esteem have been screaming from the a$$-kicking they took late last year and just can't be quieted anymore. I need them to motivate me, to accomplish what I am capable of, to move forward. I just couldn't do that as long as I was in Limbo with W. My kids depend on my drive and ambition far more now than ever, so filing was what I needed to drop the rope and move on. The W I knew and loved is gone. I've looked for her and mourned her long enough. I wish everyone the best of luck on their own journeys and relationships.
J.