Just so you know, how I am dealing with my stbx is the same as how he appears to be dealing with you.
Frankly, I want nothing to do with my stbx. I have gone as dark as possible. We have custody arrangements and I stick to them. Nothing more, nothing less. If she attempts to engage me for any reason, I ignore it.
I want nothing to do with her and I don't want her to chase me. I'm done.
And that... sounds to me like the possible reasons for his behaviour. He's setting his boundaries with you. He's not playing a game.
He has set his boundaries and I have set mine. He keeps changing the rules. He IS playing games. My therapist has talked him twice and he thinks he is playing games, too, but mostly just doesn't have good relationship skills.
I have, as I said, not pursued this man AT ALL in a year and a half since I dumped HIM, other than by trying to conform to his requests and honor his boundaries. My therapist says that trying to make him happy is "pursuit behavior". So I have mostly just done whatever we BOTH want (minimize contact, keep it just about the child) and occasionally I did what I wanted, like sending him a picture of our daughter doing something exciting or sharing with him via text something cute she said or some new skill she has mastered.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
To be a little more clear about this, my stbx has set up the kid schedule. Something that I asked for because without it, I saw the kids very little. All based on a schedule that stbx created, without discussing it with me. Her L drafted the schedule, along with the separation agreement. Because I knew I would not be able to "negotiate" with stbx, I agreed to the schedule because, it was certainly much better than prior and it was at least "close to fair".
And... once it was signed, my W then verbally asked / suggested / stated that she wanted us to be flexible. So... in her mind, it was back down to her way or the highway, for my visits with the kids. She would ask for a change in the schedule and I would say, "OK". I asked for a change in the schedule and I was accused of wanting things only when it was convenient for me. So much for fixed OR flexible schedule...
HE is the one who did not want a written parenting plan and wanted to keep things "flexible". That's fine, but when things come up, he needs to communicate!
Unfortunately, it is the child who looses the most in a separation / divorce.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Is it inconvenient? Sure. Does it svck? Yes. Can we control others? no.
Rather than trying to push some change on him, how can you work with what you've got?
I do not believe that we cannot control others. I believe we can influence some people in some ways some of the time, if we know what buttons to push. I am only interested in a win-win situation and right now we are in a lose-lose situation.
