[in_it]

I'm having a bad day. H leaves tomorrow for weekend with OW & I can't stop thinking about it. I know it's not good for me to have so much focus on this, but I can't make myself stop. Laying in bed last night H grabbed my hand & held it for a good while. He then rubbed my back & told me goodnight. My emotions are on a rollercoaster.

He told me when he originally scheduled this trip he was staying over until Monday to hang out & play golf with a couple of the guys from the office. I know this is not the case & he will be with OW at her parents house (she lives with them). I have this major urge to say to him that I'm not stupid & wish he would just tell me the truth. That I know it's OW Ds bday & he will be with them.

I need to be reminded why I should let this go. I can't believe I'm letting myself get so worked up.

H has still not mentioned pregnancy to me anymore since last week. I don't think he is still thinking of not being in this child's life. He casually mentioned on Sunday that maybe his 3rd child would want to try harder & be better at soccer. This came after a kick around in the backyard that H had with the girls & D7 wasn't really trying.

I know this is big time mind reading, but I'm wondering when he is going to tell OW about me being pg & if he will try to save their relationship? I'm pretty sure this will be a deal breaker for her. She thinks we sleep in separate beds & we haven't been ML since BD. I know that if she ends it with him that it's not guaranteed he will come back to me either. We have a ton to work on.

More mind reading…I think H is waiting & soaking up the next 3-4 weeks. He will be home next week, but will be back with her the next 2, possibly 3. I think he is at least waiting until after their time together isn't so frequent.

Our 10 year anniversary is coming up. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned doing something. Should I bring this up again?

As you can see my mind is racing today!