Thank you AS for that reminder. Yes I need to quit worrying about it. Its just that I have some of her friends now pushing me to throw in the towel. I know that us LBS decide when its enough, and I am not ready yet.
TO THE MODS, PLEASE TAKE ME OFF MODERATION!! BY THE TIME I WRITE A POST IT IS OLD NEWS, AND THEN NO ONE SEES IT BECAUSE IT IS PAGES DOWN IN THE ACTIVE LIST. Even me "bunping" it wont help because that message is moderated. Let me have a chance at some help please! I promise not to upset anyone =)
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
In all fairness to SM34, he was answering some of my questions.
I agree that her fantasy will probably come crashing down, and especially since he has a child at home. That, and some other things you mentioned, will help to tear down the fantasy quicker. And, IMHO, it is better when it happens that way instead of the H putting so much attention on the OM (and don't misunderstand what I'm saying here), b/c then she really be "done" with him and the A. But as I said before, I just hope she doesn't seek another man to have an A with.
I had read where you told about her childhood and the D between her parents, and being left with her dad, etc. But for some reason, in the last post, it was interesting how some things "clicked" between her past and her thinking now. It does seem to have comparable points, but maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm mind reading too, but I think everyone's childhood affects who they are and maybe what they do when they are grown. Who knows, maybe I was I was psychologist in my previous life. (jk)
She saw her parents fail at M, and then she was disappointed in her own M. Enough so that she doesn't want to ever get M again. However, she does want to feel the passion. That is one area she felt disappointed in the M. From the WAW VP, feeling passion is what makes you feel alive, not so much the drama. B/c drama usually means problems of some kind. At some point, she will get tired of all the drama from OM. But as long as he can stir her passion, she thinks it's worth the hassle.
Someday, she will see that your R and home was peaceful. Being as young as she is, she may have seen it as mundane at the time she entered an A, but someday she will decide the peace outweighs the drama every time. In the meantime, you can work on becoming someone who is fun to be around.
If she complains that the M has been in a rut, or things have become too routine, then do something spontaneous. We can often learn from children how to make very simple things in life a lot of fun. But I realize it's not easy when your M is on the rocks.
I would like to suggest that you think of a weekly goal of something fun to do with your family. Nothing extravagant, necessarily, but make it fun. IMO, if a person can have passion with every day living, they will have passion in their M. Some have passion about their work, or sport, or whatever, but when it comes to their home life & M, they act like a piece of dead wood.
Showing passion in all the other areas is what you apply right now. It can be one of those things that you "train" yourself to do for now on. Apply passion to those areas first, b/c you are in a sticky situation when it comes to showing sexual passion. I believe if she sees you come alive in these other things, she will want to see if you've changed in the sex area also. However, listen carefully......don't get eager to "show" her how passionate you can be in sex, b/c if she doesn't work to that point and she has sex with you too soon or too easily, then it might set you back. This is just my opinion. Others may think completely different. I just think it would be very bad if she was having sex with you and the OM, while she decided which one was best.
I believe when a woman wants to have sex with a man, she flirts with him. Didn't she flirt with OM, and wasn't it an EA before it became a PA? Well, the same thing applies to your MR. Only, men call it "initiating" after they get M. I bet you've read where a man needs to start making love to a woman's mind if he wants to have sex with her. Trouble is....he doesn't want to start there.
Your part is to think outside the bedroom. Let her flirt with you. That's her way of saying she's interested. However, don't jump her bones the first time she bats her eyelashes. She needs to do the flirting! If she's not flirting, I don't think she's interested. B/c I believe it's natural for a female to want to flirt with the one she desires to make love to her. But if you give in too easily, especially if she's in an A, I think it can set you backwards.
So, think of something to surprise your W & D3 this week. Keep your mind tuned to any ideas that jump out to do spontaneously. I will be interested in hearing about them.
You said you wanted to get back to the man you once were. What steps do you see taking in order for that to happen? If you can break it down into steps, you'll have your goals. Seems to be easier than one giant objective.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am still on moderation?? In one month I have barely gotten any responses because my posts take so long to show.
By the way to any mods reading this, I believe I am on moderation for stating facts about people from broken homes repeating theur parents behavior. It is not just my opinion, but also that of,WMD. It is unfortunate that it offended people, but you know what they say.... The truth hurts!
I have had many coaching sessions and I need go pay for more. But im getting slightly put off by this moderation issue.
Can someone please remedy this? If not, please post on my thread the reason why one month of moderation has not been sufficient.
In our ever changing sichs we often need the input of our fellow DBers but its.not easy or even useful when the advise relates to a questiom that is days olf.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM - You do not understand your reasons for moderation. To do so and request release you should look at your posts that have been edited. If I recall correctly, I think it has to do with references that are not allowed.
You may also Virginia@divorcebusting.com to understand more and request release.
Honestly, you're not getting many responses due to you turning many people off. NOT because you were on moderation. Go back and read your threads from the past, look how many people said they were "done" with you.
" It is unfortunate that it offended people, but you know what they say.... The truth hurts!"
See, comments like this make you sound like an @$$ and it's why people don't like to engage with you. No one likes to be lectured to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
SM-it's been said by Dbmod several times your moderation is due to links you've posted.
The fact that not many continue to respond is what Starsky & Mr Bond have said. The truth does hurt, hopefully you see the truth as to why many don't still post to you.
I still come on here, and throw something out every once in awhile. That's how I roll. I mean...let's look at my sitch. I clearly can look through some BS to try and see the good in people.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
