My problem relationship isn't a marriage...it is a co-parenting relationship.
This guy was absolutely not interested in any kind of romantic relationship with me after he dumped me 5 years ago when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant. We got along pretty well most of the time, but he didn't want me dating other men. Last ditch effort, we "became a couple", but our relationship was the same, just with a different name. He was not interested in giving me any attention, affection, companionship, or conversation. We spent Monday evenings together for a couple of hours as a family. He would not have a photo taken of just me and him at my daughter's birthday party, he would not sit and talk with me alone. We had ONE physical experience (after 2 years and 8 months of not even holding hands or a kiss) and 3 weeks later when I told him I was about ready for another kiss, he literally ran away. Then I dumped him. I was not getting my needs met and the whole purpose of the experiment was to see if I could get my needs met by him. I dumped him, changed the schedule so we would not be together on Monday nights and drastically reduced our contact.
I emotionally disconnected with him and I started dating other men and I did not need or want anything from my ex, but I did have some anger and resentment I had to deal with because I thought he should have made more of an effort to keep me from going to another man/men. I still think it would be best if I could be with my child's father rather than another man, but I have not looked to him for attention, affection, sex, etc. in a year and a half, YET in this past year he has complained bitterly about how I have harassed him and smothered him.....WHAT? The farther I pull away and the less I have to do with him, the more he complains about me being in his life.
The last straw was when I tried to get him to work on his attitude since we shared custody, and we have 4 exchanges a week because he sees her so often. He told me that I was using our child to force him to see me. That was ridiculous. I have bent over backwards trying to arrange things so he has as little contact with me as possible and he still complains when I contact him only about scheduling variations.
So, I said, "FINE, you don't want to see me, I 'll fix things to where we don't ever have to see each other." I won't go to his house for pickup 2 days a week (very inconvenient for me, anyway, but I felt like he was holding her hostage until I came to his door to pick her up) and we will jump through whatever hoops necessary so that he won't have to see me. It lasted about 3 weeks...we did the exchange at the YMCA day care. He would drop her off, I would pick her up...one of us was always at the facility when our daughter was, AND we only communicated via text.
I loved the new arrangement. I felt like a weight was lifted. But about 3 weeks in, he asked me to meet him at chickfila. I asked him how he was going to do that without us seeing each other. Then he said I could come to his house and he would just stick her out the door when I got there, so we wouldn't have to see each other. I told him I was not going to come to his house. I am trying to keep distance from him. It is rather silly, I think, but I didn't know what else to do.
Well, this has been a disaster. The farther I pull away from him, the worse he behaves. So, I am going to do the opposite. Remember, I have spent a year and a half keeping my distance from him and the only "pursuing" I have done is giving in to his silly demands for distance. Now I think he keeps running when I am not chasing him because he WANTS me to chase him because he doesn't like how things are, but he doesn't know how to change them.
I had a flash of inspiration the other day. I remember "The Miracle Worker" and how young Helen Keller didn't have the ability to communicate and Annie Sullivan FORCED her to learn. I know Helen was just a child, but still, it is a beautiful story about love and sacrifice and determination.
I told my ex that I feel like he's like Helen Keller and I am like Annie Sullivan. He does not want to cooperate with me, but I truly do believe he can learn new skills that will make life better for him and everyone around him (especially me and our child.) We will see how it goes!
