Looking at the beginning I see that I stayed because I needed the time to get myself in order. H has made no change in almost a yr, and I see I know longer say I L him.
you know- me too exactly- i looked around the FL house - at allllllll my stuff - and the thought of moving it all in the blink of an eye made me just sick. all i could think of is ,"i can't" - i can't face it. true (icky but true) just sooo completely blind-sided by what i found out about who this man REALLY was/is - COULDN'T function. then.
he has stopped the rabid picking and criticizing, etc.- life is calm and he is pleasant - BUT i don't see (ncecssarily) love and affection which is exactly what i need to make my life what i'd like it to be. having had that with him- i don't think I necessarily want a r with him on a merely "friends" basis. i don't see him as a friend because i wouldn't ever have a friend that lied to me - alot - and about important stuff. sorry to say- i'd cut them rite out of the equation in life. AND - if they actually hurt me this much for their own purposes- that is even worse. what "friend" would ever do it.??? I'M JUST SAYIN...
so- back to the problem of viewing him as "sick"& NUTS temporarily - or "giant rat". sadly - i lean more toward latter. still have one shred of open mind here tho- compliments of mwd's books - & spiel - & db philosophy.
and i still find myself hating (hating) to say it out loud - that (possibly) i do not love this guy or care about him anymore - at all - i feel badly to say that sometimes my hand actually twitches with desire to pick up the phone- and say i'm done- go have whatever it is you think is a better life and leave me out of it.
i kind of view him as a person i cared about that is dying of something really fatal (and i know and he doesn't)- and i'm watching him go and unable to help it or stop it. just watch as he slowly produces feelings in me that may be irreversable- and he's totally unaware of the reality of the sitch.
of course- there is always the possibility that he knows exactly what he's doing- but somehow i don't think so. he's so immersed in him-land- he can't see the forest for the trees.
i guess this all falls under the heading of your prior comments about stepping back being all you can do. this morning while talking to him- his voice all contained and all about him- i found myself thinking why do i bother at all?
well- I did pick up the phone because he'd left a phone message last nite about a letter i'd gotten from the irs - and of course, da da dummmmm..... i feared the worst.
SO- why would you think he never ever asks me what is up or who or where? if i say i have an engagement, or appointment - or was out late . just nothing. (and this is a guy who grills me and everyone about EVERYTHING - the minutest detail of conversations, etc.) BUT when it comes to me and my "life" - nothing. i view it as hates me and does not care one shred what the heck i do , who with or where... can there be any other possibility than that??? i 'm truly curious. just indifference about me & my life. (so- i am crap in his life)
so why call at all - why talk at all- i am not seeing anypurpose in it all hardly any more.
seems to me part of my problem is that when i'm back, and stepping back- he can't even see it- i do wonder if he can read it in my voice- words or over the phone. seems like i'd be giving a pretty dense jerk alot of credit if i were to assume he does or can. i'm all having a life with no witness - well, not the schmo that needs to know it. YA THINK IT DRIZZLES INTO HIS CONSCIOUSNESS SOMEHOW that i'm missing?
oh well- . SOOOO TELL ME DAWN. what are you going to learn from what lesson. i'm a bit dense this a.m.- i can't see what you're saying exactly. you no longer L him- yet you stay- me too - so wtf?
