I agree completely and I dont want our Marriage to go back to the way it was in many ways. I completely understand that I am the only one I can change and have any sort of control over so it is I that I need to stay focused on. It feels like that any "break" she can find in me, reverting back to the way I was in some areas, will set this new course off in the wrong direction and delay progress.
Yesterday, I bought her a nice inexpensive boquet of flowers. She knows I didnt go out of my way to get them, I called her close to lunch to see if she wanted to go with, she hadnt gotten ready for the day yet so she declined, she knew where I was going for lunch and knows thats where I bought the flowers from. The point of getting her flowers was not to apologize, not to ask for forgiveness, not to attempt to make up, just an "I was thinking of you" type message. No card, no words. Just brought them into the house, left them on the table and I told her I bought her some. I wanted nothing in return and that is what I got. Nothing. No "thanks, they are pretty" or anything. She didnt even put them into a vase until I left the house with the kids for soccer practice, but she did put them in a vase, on the kitchen table. Now, for everyday that those flowers are alive and on the table, she will look at them and think of me. Maybe in a good way, maybe in frustration, but she will be thinking of me. Hopefully this will get her to think about what is going on and help move our situation forward.
So because I did something for her yesterday, didnt expect anything in return, remained in a good mood even though inside I am feeling depressed and helpless, she decided to test me this morning. After I got out of the gym I noticed that I had missed a call. It was from her, I called back and she was venting on me about our kids and last minuite permission slips etc... she was mad, I let her vent and asked a question to clarify what she was saying and she got really mad, so I just said please dont yell, I am just trying to straighten out what is going on in my head so i understand, thats all. After that, she toned it down and got off the phone to finish getting the kids ready. I think I passed! I didnt get angry, I didnt raise my voice, I didnt say why do you always yell at me .....I feel stronger because of it. Now I dont feel she CAN break me.... but the testing isnt over I am sure so I will remain focused here. One small victory at a time....
I like working on this stuff, i like helping make our relationship better but I wish we could do this on different terms.
