The View from the Blanket III

[littleGTO]

Hi, bustin!

First of all (((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))))))!

Secondly, you HAVE shown AMAZING growth in this journey.

And, I laughed at the whole "Groundhog Day" analogy, as I was just thinking the very same thing (same movie scenario) about my sitch!

I think the "normalcy" of being a family for a few days is very difficult. Confusing for the kids. Confusing for you. And then he goes off and lives a different life somewhere else WITH someone else.

I find that when my kids spend more time w their dad that they WANT even more time w him, so I can understand your kids' reactions to his leaving.

My S9 was having nightmares that where he would call for me & beg me not to leave him. Definitely fear of abandonment by me. After all daddy left, what's to keep mom from doing the same thing (in their minds)? Very sad and hard not to be angry at H for being the cause of their grief/sadness/fear/anxiety, etc.

And, I get the whole aloneness too. I am okay now with being alone. But, I want to share my life w someone who will be my partner. BUt, I also realize that I have to heal from this R first. And, the only thing that will help that is time-lots of it.

Finally, I can relate to your feelings about OW. I too have very strong negative feelings toward her. I always wonder how any person could enter into a R w a M person who has children (esp) and care so little for the person who they've entered the R with to not let them go so they can give their M a chance, their family a chance.

I think "If she really does love him, then why doesn't she let him go?" Answer- because she doesn't & she's in the same selfish place he is. Period. EVIL.

Arghhhh!. Sorry, I'm probably not helping at all except to let you know I understand what you're going through completely!

[bustingout]

Hi KG, I dont know how you do it :-) you expressed my feelings for me!

It's the feeling of wanting to share your life with someone you love, of being part of a team and a family, and of having someone you can also lean on...

This ^^^ is such a big part of how I am feeling. Again I also very weary of the daily grind and readjusting to his absence as are the kids. Its harder this time for some reason.

My coach basically encouraged me to continue. We talked about how he sees H showing signs of wanting to be friends. Yet, he is so introverted, and processes internally, so is very slow in his behaviours.

I will post more shortly and respond to GTO as well. Gotta go do some work.

xxx

[bustingout]

So my coach pointed out that he still sees signs of H wanting to be friends. He believes trying to cultivate a friendship is a good way forward although very very very s-l-o-w-l-y.

I gave him a recap of what has been happening since I last spoke to him...its not much given H is in Duabi now. H doesn't say much and so there is a lot of just maintaining a clam and steady momentum, especially to keep on encouraging him to reconnect with the kids. Example...H left after an intense time being here with us all...intense meaning we spent all of our time together. From the viewpoint of the kids its almost 'normal. H comes during the week before they awake and leaves after they sleep. Its me he is not coming back to.

Then H leaves and he doesn't call the kids for three days. Is it guilt? Is it shame? Is it MLC la la land? Can't mind read...so need to remain calm. H is there for the kids while he is here, and he is not when he is away. I tried to encourage him to partner with me in parenting, yet he doesnt engage. He hears what is being said but then does nothing. So he doesnt get involved in the emotional aspects of parenting.

I think (mind reading) he thinks that if he starts engaging, then he will feel he is engaging me as well. And he doesnt want that.

Coach asked me what I think signs of H reengaging me might look like. I said it would be just that...a text directed at me not just the kids. A general 'how was your day?' etc.

Also, what he thinks I am doing differently when there are moments of H softening. Again, I said the only thing I say is that I know I am working on myself and I am becoming a much less angrier, much more positive and less anxious person.

So I finished the session feeling generally positive about maintaining my course for me and the kids. Not necessarily anything positive re: the M as there is nothing there. And thats ok.

And so we keep on keeping on...

Today, S8 had a hard time. He really misses H. He is frustrated and seems discouraged. He wants him back so badly. It made me so angry and I was going to not let H know (I know that doesnt make sense) but then I decided to tell H that S8 is struggling. He should know. I didnt tell him to feel guilty or shameful. I told him so he knows. Its up to him how he wants to handle it. I will not stand in his way of having opportunities to be a father to his kids. And not just the visitor father. A real father. I still believe he can be that man, with or without me.

GTO

Finally, I can relate to your feelings about OW. I too have very strong negative feelings toward her. I always wonder how any person could enter into a R w a M person who has children (esp) and care so little for the person who they've entered the R with to not let them go so they can give their M a chance, their family a chance.

I think "If she really does love him, then why doesn't she let him go?" Answer- because she doesn't & she's in the same selfish place he is. Period. EVIL.

I agree this these are very selfish relationships. Its all about how they feel. Its not real love. Its about how it makes them feel right now.

I remember telling J3B once that H once told me that OW even told him that 'he should give his marriage another try'. J3B responded by saying that this is the worst type of OW...manipulative. Because if she didnt say that, than H would think she is a bad person. Like this he can say to himself, she told me to try, how great/selfless is she? blah blah blah. its BS.

[bustingout]

I have to say I am very aware thats its almost a year since H sent the I am DONE email. I was pursuing him so much back then.

I have to also say not knowing what H is thinking does make me weary at times. Because he will all of a sudden come up with statements, decisions and BD's. He will be quiet and then bam.

I am at the strongest I have been since this all started. Yet it still brings me anxiety that he can do this. Especially with him so far away and with OW. I know I am at a big disadvantage. However, I will say coach ended the session saying to remember that I always was and always will be the best choice. And thats how I should always approach H. With that confidence. And when H starts to monster again, to just move out of the way, unaffected and unfazed.

[Tallula]

I love ya, Busting!!!!

I agree with so many things. The wanting to just MOVE ON, hating feeling "stuck", the OW feelings. It's true, they are really, really selfish. I sit back and think "How can you live with yourself cheating with a man while his wife is pregnant." Then to find out their are 2 woman willing to do this?! (Yeah, the nurse is FB friends with my H, so she well aware he is marriend and I'm expecting) I just simply think, I am the best choice. I would never do that to someone in a million years. I wouldn't even do it to my H!

We are fabulous!! If these men don't see it, we will bask in our wonderousness and one day someone will treat us how we deserve. In your case it's either your H or another man. In my case...it's a rich young hardbody

[bustingout]

Tallula its good to have you back! I will go catch up on your thread. I used to think that I didnt deserve to be loved.

Now I look forward to sharing my life with someone some day and know I am worth that love.

Sign me up for the hard body though too! lol

[sayitaintso]

I used to think that I didnt deserve to be loved.

Now I look forward to sharing my life with someone some day and know I am worth that love.

Like ^^^ Xx

[needgrace]

me too, where is the LIKE button

yes, busting, you are so so worthy of being loved. and how lucky that person will be to find someone who is so committed to working on herself and her Rs.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Busting))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[bustingout]

Thank you SIAS and NG!!

Sometimes I can't believe how far I have come... And where it was I came from...!! Yeah me!

Someone actually told me today 'you look happy'!!! I have not heard that in Years!! Usually it's 'are you ok?' ' you look angry' ' is something wrong?' Lol

I am happy. I am happy because I know it's mine. It can't be taken away from me because its in me.

I do miss H. Not the R we had. I miss the man that was my friend and confidante the man that was my family. And I know it's ok to miss him and I know I messed up the R too. I am sorry for that. I also know that I have skills to create a new R with anyone that can be healthy and loving for both parties.

So I am trying out what my coach suggested and texted H today with more details about the kids in a friendly way ( i did it in the firm of a news report) He didn't respond but when h called today he said he liked it- so that's good. I want to keep him as informed about the kids as possible. He doesn't like to talk to me or ask questions so maybe this is a way forward for the kids sake. We'll see it's still early days.

Next weekend is graduation at my school. I am one of the organisers and its always a big event. H's best frind's daughter is graduating (and got an offer for Oxford!! ) so I invited h to come ( I am allowed to bring spouse and H's best friend used all of his allocated spaces for his own family), and he said he will think about it. S8 also has a competition that weekend and S8 asked him to come for that as well. I really don't think he will come back for any of it - the offers are there and he knows that S, best friend and all would be happy to have him around for the festivities ( H's best friend is also throwing a big party tha weekend).

Anyway- it won't take away from any of us if he doesn't come ( well it would make S8's day if his father were watching him). I extended the offer in a friendly way I think- not pursuing or holding my breath. Hopefully just keeping the road smooth ...

[JuneReN]

I like when you said the H becoming a monster...I am going to call it monstering up.

Because they get all the hurtful, nasty things they can find and it's all about the monster..."I will take everything I want because I am monster..."

Haven't seen a movie yet where the monster actually wins

People have commented that I look happy. First it was fake it, but now I don't have to fake it so much as I find my balance.

Looks like you have found yours too!