Mana, Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo! Part 2

[Tallula]

So I took some time away from the boards. Just needed to breath and live.

Journal:

Anger has been bubbling up inside me. Friday at drop off H, yet again, tried to put the moves on me. Sigh. Then asked again if I hated him for the slap sitch. I just looked at him. He goes "See, this is the problem. We are fundamentally different." I left. I sat in the truck seething. Yea, bud. THAT IS the problem. We ARE fundamentally different. You think you can bang other woman. I don't. THE END.

Long story short, we both had counciling Monday night. I'm trying this new thing were I just tell him what I need him to do. I know, novel concept. So I texted that he take the kids to my house and put them to bed during my session. He agreed. With no complaints. I was shocked.

I spoke to my councilor about my anger. How I am sick of any responcibility to be thrown at me. She suggested that when he does, I say "I will not accept any responcibility for your cheating. That is not on me." I left feeling good. Strong.

I walk in the door and H says he wants to talk to me. This should be fun. He then goes on to say that he always wanted to be monogomous. "I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem. You are awesome. And I can't be happy with that. I'm so sorry."

Yea. Yeah. So tears started to stream down my face. I wasn't crying or sobbing, just the tears. I told him that I am so hurt. That he will never know the amount of pain that he has caused me, mostly with his anger and trying to blame me. That it means alot to hear, but that I hope it continues. Because I won't accept any more blame. I just won't.

So I've been marinating on that. It makes me sad. Sad, because it ignited a small hope in me that we could fix this. But I know, we can never be again. He didn't say he was going to stop cheating. He still hasn't admitted there is more than just OW. My only hope is that he continues to be remorseful, kinder towards me. That he can heal himself and be a happy person. But, as always with him these days...let's see what tomorrow brings.

The baby is kicking up a blue streak. That is exciting. The kids are very excited, S4 keeps talking about all the toys he will give him and helping me with diapers. D2 just keeps saying "BABY!! mumble, mumble." And life just keeps ticking along.