LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

Thanks for checking in on me KD. My work on my control issues: I have been studying a lot. I realize that most of the ways that I relate to people stem from my relationship with mother. She was a LBS and it controlled her and still does 30 years later. She was so wounded by her pain that anger controlled most of my childhood and verbal abuse was her method of communication.

Mom recently found out about my S's A. I had chosen not to tell her because I knew that she would project her personal anger with my F onto my S. (one of my sisters told her against my request). Since then I have not been able to speak to mom. Everytime I try she immediately wants to bash my S even saying she "hates" her.

More of the same from childhood except "Dad" is replaced by "S". I think that my need to control comes from that. The absolute fear that I had growing up about what mom was going to say or do next. I know I need to resolve this with her but I feel really overwhelmed with my M right now. Mom will always be mom. I can't change her (I am guilty of trying to reason/control her my entire life). I have been strong enough to not fight with her and simply say, " I don't want to talk about this with you. I love my W. If you are going to react this way then I cannot have a relationship with you while I am trying to navigate this."

In my M, my W always tried to protect me from my mom. Mom would be calmer if W was around or listening. We discussed it many times. I just found a resentment I have while typing this. My W knows the stressful relationship with mom and always tried to protect but she also used it against me on occasion. Calling me by my mother's first name when I was being controlling, trying to hurt me. It did hurt me. A lot. It made me angry too.

It makes me angry now.