H gone all night last night...i did not contact him. Came in at 9 n i didn't say a word. I left w kids right after n took them to breakfast. He called me a few times then fell off the radar for the remainder of the day. Im assuming he won't b back tonight either. He has good chance for a job. Just praying so i can move on w my life. I worked on painting house today n the yard. S11 was upset bc he tried all day to reach H w no luck. I feel bad for my kids. H doesn't see it. He will end up like his own dad apologizing when they are adults n its too late. My fil told me when my H was little he went thru a really rough time. If u ask my H he says his dad ignored them...left the family...cheated..etc...funny how he doesn't see the parallels. Tomorrow is a busy day. MS walk n then two soccer games. Should keep my mind off the sitch.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Thx for asking. Walk n games went well. H did come back Sat nite but in a really bad mood....argument w ow??? Hmmm...anyway Sun he reminded me we were supposed to do something as a family bc we won tix to something. I told him i forgot n took my one S to walk n soccer n let him spend day w other son alone. My S11 made comment over weekend that H wasn't around n he doesn't want to get close to him bc he just going to leave again. I feel bad for him. He said he feels like H being fake n its all a show bc he worried bout the divorce n custody. My other son piped in that H buys them gifts all the time so they will b distracted n not focus on the fact he leaves all the time. They are both too smart for their own good.
Didn't blink an eye this weekend at H. Trying hard to keep his problems to him. Was still cranky on sun...wondering why. Not like he works..wasn't home can't blame me or kids.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Last night my son was rubbing my back and told me that my muscles were tight. I told him it was stress. H laughed and asked me what stress I was under...seriously??? Where is he living? I just said, just work stress...whatever. He is on another planet. C thinks I am doing better at accepting the sitch. Is that good?? I wonder if accepting it means I am OK with it. I don't feel Ok with it. I'm not crying everyday but that is the only real change as far as I can tell.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
H laughed and asked me what stress I was under...seriously???
Lol. Sadly, yes it is indeed "seriously". Idk if you read my thread, I had almost the same sitch in just the past couple of days... my H asks me "what's wrong?" (And the thoughts that go through my mind, such as, CAN YOU REALLY BE THAT DUMB? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG?? Fortunately I didn't let those thoughts past my lips - came here and vented instead )
I was reminded that
A. It's all about "them" B. They are ahead of the LBS in adjustment, because this has been brewing in their minds for quite a while. But, they expect the LBS to be on the same page. So, amazingly, they genuinely do not know "what's wrong" or what stress we are under.
Chalk it up to the wonders of MLC, TnD.
I think it is "good" that you are becoming more accepting of the sitch. It will allow you to adapt, adjust and eventually thrive. The LBS has to get past denial - which is often time spent expecting the WAS/MLCer to "snap" out of it. This time ends up being wasted by the LBS because it is time used waiting on the spouse instead of time being used on healing the self.
However, accepting is not the same thing as agreeing, or being ok with the sitch. It is absolutely fine, and good I think, that you are NOT ok. Because it shows you are a person of commitment and integrity. You may accept the reality of how your M is now without accepting the terms of the M.
"Not crying everyday" is a big step. Good for you TnD!! It means you are getting stronger and are ready to start taking care of yourself (But the tears may still strike at times - if they do just let them and the sadness wash over, and wash away.)
You are doing some of the hardest work right now TnD, and you're getting stronger.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Mizjjd...how is it going Miz?? I'm still sorting things out about how OK I am with the sitch. My H mentioned today he had an interview and the benefit costs for just him and him and the kids. I guess he still planning on going. Two days ago he was out looking for a new couch. Seriously...he drives me up a wall. I'm beginning to just want him gone already. I agree with you on A and B. In my case I think my H thinks that he made his decision so that is why he has behaved this way and why go back since his decision is made. I just wish he would have consulted me on it. No tears yet, but therapy tonight so you never know.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I have been at the yo-yo point of MLC for 2yrs now. I'm leaving, you have to let me go, I'm not leaving my family, where would I go, why should I go, I should have left it's too late now. That has been the conversation over the last 22 months.
There is some crazy MLC logic to it, bottom line they don't know what the hell they want. They don't have any real commitment to OP, so the smart ones don't leap into being roommates blindly. The're not really sure they want to leave home incurring new consequences and issues, and it's really easier not to have to. Then you have the ones that feel guilty and those scared ones who sacrifice what they ''really'' would want to do, but you need them to stay around, don't you . That's called it's all your fault I can't go play, please mom don't make me go!
I spent the summer last yr crying on the front porch into the night as H worked nights and spent his time talking to ea, ea's can be harder that ow, he's addicted to being the hero, it's not sex, it's recognition/validation as the POS he is today. He would never call me and even refused my calls at times because I remind him, to himself, that he's a loser.
I have started crying again lately for about a week now, not sure why, but I am def back sliding. Not even because I want him, just sad about the sitch as a whole. Maybe because I can't shake him!
My H not willing to move out feels like abuse, really like having to face your executioner daily. Sorry, wine talking, it was a hard day. Hope tom is better for us all!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey hi- you know, reading your post. my h too and his dad.
HATED HIS DAD when i met him- too tough, never ever pleased or anything good enough. cheated on his mom- trashed her when she left with someone else - full of righteous indignation- all bout him him him him - no one else in universe.
and what does my h turn into- THAT. CAN'T EVEN see it- all about him- his "fun" quotient- him him. cheats - lies - nothing good enough and jacks me allover creation just like his parents (whom he hates) jacked him. his mom said kids only need '"fifteen minutes a day" to raise. no kidding.
he apparently believes i'll be a happy woman with that one little phone call a day = wake up and see who you sound like buddy boy. it's amazing how they become their parents & do not see self at all.
i told my 14 yer old neice- look long and hard at the family any guy comes from before marrying him or geting serious. it's the single best thing i can think to do- see what they will see as the way a family is - will duplicate (possibly).
oh well- sorry for you. it's such a mess isn't it- the baggage these "real men" carry inside and how it screws up us love partners later. oh well....
i'm in this mess rite along with you all too - this is really well put- and thanks for the thought -:
Quote:
However, accepting is not the same thing as agreeing, or being ok with the sitch. It is absolutely fine, and good I think, that you are NOT ok. Because it shows you are a person of commitment and integrity. You may accept the reality of how your M is now without accepting the terms of the M.
today- reality is all around me. i'm not freaked or panicked. i'm kindly of deadly acdepting - yet i felt compelled yesterday to voice my non-alignment with what he thinks our life could or should be. i'm not good with it- i'm not good with my "place" in his life & heart.
it's a bad deal for my heart. perhaps financially it's for my own good - maybe even that is not enough to keep me attached. going to see wtf is up with him- he comes up here tomorrow. fingers crossed i remain calm.
was calm & deadly yesterday and very darn devoid of huge emotion. unlike me totally- hopefully it sticks. i have no intention of competing with whoever else he has in his life- like me -love me for what and who i am - or not. i'm not "becomig someone new" for you.
it's not in me to be other than i am. even being patient and concilliatory and dbing sometimes feels like fraud to me.
oh well-
hang on - good luck - another traveller here on same journey
Hey Nero...their lives parallel their own parents. It is so odd bc my H never wanted to be like his parents and here we are...same journey that his parents took. Last night he was home and present but this morning when I woke I noticed his car was moved last night. He just leaves during the night when I sleep??He is so odd. He was home all weekend and I still believe a few weeks back he had an argument with the OW and that is why he is home more. It should make me feel better that things are cooling with her but to be honest..I feel just as bad. Since BD he has been swearing up and down it is over yet he leaves all night with no explanation and gets angry when I ask if he is with her. Well, of course I don't believe him anyway but if I am correct that it is finally coming to an end, at least for now, then I get so upset that he continues to lie lie lie and think I am some dope for just believing his dumb stories. Its got to end with us or her eventually and I starting to pray it is just with us. As I said before, he won't leave. My C pointed out yesterday why would he go?? It is so comfortable for him. Then I pointed out, it may be comfortable but he was the one that was so miserable and unhappy and thought I was not giving him attention, remember? He was the one who couldn't live with his family any more. So , now is is suddenly so comfortable and familiar that he can't go? Makes no sense.
We are void of emotion in our home too. Stinks. Starting to feel almost robotic. I won't compete with the OW. She can have him. What is wrong with a woman who dates a man that has a wife and living with another family? Obviously there is something wrong with them. They date someone not willing to make a full commitment to them that is never going to be what the want. Someone that will do the same to them if they do stick it out. Its a relationship built on lies and mistrust and sneaking around. How can that end good?
Good advise for the niece. I guess we did get something out of this..we can warn others to look more closely at their potential husbands and show them that history will and does repeat itself.
Dawn..I understand the backslide thing. Just keep going forward that is all we can do. The C says I am doing better but I feel like I am only better bc things are status quo. It doesn't take much to shake things up and set me back.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
) 
. That's called it's all your fault I can't go play, please mom don't make me go!