LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[~ kd ~]

It's really good that you are aware of and working on your "controller" issues.

One thing to keep in mind is, just because someone's "solution" does not look like your would have taken, or the result isn't the one you expected or even liked, does not make them "wrong".

It can be a challenge to accept that in most things, a measurement of right and wrong is simply subjective. Based on our own, personal paradigms and biases.

Are there any specific things that you are doing, to help you work this out in yourself?

[RealityTrip]

So last night I started mental movies. I kept trying to see the stop sign but I was losing so I picked up my DR book to reread some things.

MWD talks about when you find an effective technique you will see results in a week or two. So I was evaluating my LRT. It's been 2 weeks since I began and I have only had minimal contact regarding finances and her picking up seasonal clothes. I look back and it seemed to cause a reaction with the text messages, the "I love you" and the "thank you" for taking care of the finances.

But my question is, Does this seems "effective" to you? Or am I just seeing what I want to see and being hopeful?

I started LRT ready for whatever may come. At peace with the fact that she has already left and ready to heal myself and move forward... but hope is always there.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks for checking in on me KD. My work on my control issues: I have been studying a lot. I realize that most of the ways that I relate to people stem from my relationship with mother. She was a LBS and it controlled her and still does 30 years later. She was so wounded by her pain that anger controlled most of my childhood and verbal abuse was her method of communication.

Mom recently found out about my S's A. I had chosen not to tell her because I knew that she would project her personal anger with my F onto my S. (one of my sisters told her against my request). Since then I have not been able to speak to mom. Everytime I try she immediately wants to bash my S even saying she "hates" her.

More of the same from childhood except "Dad" is replaced by "S". I think that my need to control comes from that. The absolute fear that I had growing up about what mom was going to say or do next. I know I need to resolve this with her but I feel really overwhelmed with my M right now. Mom will always be mom. I can't change her (I am guilty of trying to reason/control her my entire life). I have been strong enough to not fight with her and simply say, " I don't want to talk about this with you. I love my W. If you are going to react this way then I cannot have a relationship with you while I am trying to navigate this."

In my M, my W always tried to protect me from my mom. Mom would be calmer if W was around or listening. We discussed it many times. I just found a resentment I have while typing this. My W knows the stressful relationship with mom and always tried to protect but she also used it against me on occasion. Calling me by my mother's first name when I was being controlling, trying to hurt me. It did hurt me. A lot. It made me angry too.

It makes me angry now.

[~ kd ~]

The positive responses to your work on yourself, in the form of "thank you" and ILY is really good.

What you are doing, IS working. Keep doing more of that.

Also, it is very possible that people who are raised by over bearing parents can have control issues crop up in their lives. It could have to do with children unable to create appropriate boundaries. Perhaps that is something for you to think about.

How can you work on the controlling issue? Is there possible boundary issues in your life?

[needgrace]

RT,
think what you are doing is working too, it sounds like W is noticing. i think you are really amazing!

i also like that you are looking deep into yourself.. as you indicated, controlling behavior is an attempt to protect ourselves, to stay at a safe distance instead of being vulnerable.. what fears and hurts are under that behavior and how did the relational dance with your W impact the behaviour? (For example, I would feel more need to control when W did X,Y or Z bc my fear was that X might happen)

lean into all your feelings right now to build more self awareness and more space between the feeling and the reaction..

another good question to think about are what complaints if any W had with your M?

and keep GALing.. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[jp787]

Thanks for checking in on me KD. My work on my control issues: I have been studying a lot. I realize that most of the ways that I relate to people stem from my relationship with mother. She was a LBS and it controlled her and still does 30 years later. She was so wounded by her pain that anger controlled most of my childhood and verbal abuse was her method of communication.

I can relate as I too am controlling and was raised by my mother who was verbally/emotionally abusive. Parents D when I was 2.
I will be watching your thread and hope the best for you!
Listen to the vets!

[RealityTrip]

KD, you are an angel sent to challenge me. Thank you for taking your time to care about my life. Grace, so good to hear your encouragement and thoughts. I have written in my journal to think about the X,Y, Z's. JP, I'm so glad to hear from you, I have bookmarked your thread, the vets can be so powerful and (intimidating ) in their knowledge that it's great to be supported by a newbie too!

All the love out of the way: JOURNAL

Mom. 45 min on the phone and I know have the investigative skills to process as the conversation is happening. I detached and just listened. I didn't try to control the conversation or change her viewpoint. I just listened. Without my usual combative self, she began to open up; she was real. Her anger at my S was honest. I realized that she was trying to stop me from turning into her. She did have 1 pass-agg moment where she wanted me to validate that the possible demise of my marriage was not her fault ("I didn't make you controlling"), but I tried to detach lovingly and walk her through it. "Mom, you didn't make me controlling, but my own interpretations of yours and Daddy's D and your reactions to them made me blame you." I emphasized that my W and I are not her and Dad. It was big for me to say that outloud. I spilled my accountabilites in the breakdown in communication of my own marriage to my mom. Surprisingly, she listened. We ened the conversation with what I hope for now is an understanding that I "get" her pain. Unlike I ever did before and that my sisters have never experienced. I think that meant a lot to her. I faced my fear of her dissapointment and told her that regardless, "I love my wife. I am taking care of myself now. If my W decides to get on the train and grow, we can talk about R. If not, I will still be better for the journey."

We ended in a stalemate. That's good for us. We actually said "goodbye" lol!

P.S. journal: I did not need my friends to tell me that my WAW spent the night with her AP on the AP birthday. Ugggh. But then I realized this: Wife texted me and said "I am not going to her on her birthday I am coming home to spend time with you." (2 days prior to my LRT beginning) My response was "No, when you come home it's for good. Otherwise what purpose has all this time apart meant." She did exactly what I suspected and spent the day with her AP.

She missed my birthday (sent me a card to my sisters house where I was)... but believe nothing they say and actions right?

Pain on that one... even though I told myself it would happen. I wonder what AP would think if she knew her birthday celebration was my W second choice? That feels good.. because my wife knew it.

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: GO ME!!!!! I got my GAL!!! I just got confirmation that I passed my admission exam to Kaplin Online University! Now if I can just navigate the finacial aid! I am super proud o' myself. I don't have a college degree... but I will.

All this time on the computer, googling, searching, reading,... endless hours... made me realize that I DO have time to reach an educational goal!

[needgrace]

Congrats RT! That is awesome. What a great way to GAL.

I found your conversation with your Mom and your response to your W about the birthday very inspiring. You are displaying such grace, self awareness and courage.

My W said that I was controlling and I was. I know that my fear was a motivator, my fear that I was not good enough or worthy made me feel like I had to control things and keep W at a safe distance at times. I am learning to see how I do that with others now and to be more real, more myself in all of my Rs.

Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself, RT.

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: I'm having one of those days where I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking. When I'm not focused and I relax... I get sad. So I just go, go, go. Then I get tired like today. It's also a "Why?" day. "What was she thinking?". "What do you want from me God?"

I started the morning upset that she spent the AP birthday with her when she didn't spend mine with me in March or our anniversary earlier this month. Like I said before, I knew she was going to go to her... but it really bothered me this morning. I was thinking about how she has this other life in another city with a new relationship and new friends. She has no idea that her "new' friends on her "clean" slate, people I don't even know, found a way to contact me to tell me that they "have watched her in her A with the AP and they knew she was married and thought I should know." (They didn't know I already knew) My point... these new friends of her's don't have any respect for her because they met her as an adulterer. She has no idea they contacted me. She has no idea what they think of her.

I got to work after obsessing most of the night and that control thing creeped in. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to let her know that I knew she went to AP's birthday, that her new friends aren't really her friends at all... So I drafted an email.

I put the email in my draft folder and came back this afternoon. When I reread it... I saw what I was really doing. I made it seem like I was doing her a favor when what I really wanted was to control her emotions to make her feel embarrassed and hurt like I was. It was so pass-aggr!!!! It was jumping off the screen! I was hurt and I wanted to hurt her. That was it.

I deleted the email and stayed NC.