Say What??

[2chiquitos]

Journaling....

Last Fri I had this wave of guilt come over me over so many things I did in the past. Things I said and did to family, friends, etc. EVERYONE! It went on over the weekend. I tried shaking it off but last night it got to me and turned into a BAD migraine. I got the chills and wanted to throw up but prayed I wouldn't cuz my head was pounding.

Anyway, I didn't know what led up to the migraine until today. Yesterday at IC I shared about how I need to find balance when it comes to parenting. I was an extreme control freak before BD then became extremely passive. Now I'm trying to express my boundaries in a nondefensive way. It's freakin' hard!!

Also, I think leaving my sitch up to God has also given my anxiety/stress. I know now that I need to vent to someone (other than H) and journal. I wasn't doing it. Takes such a toll on me when I keep it all inside. My face felt numb today and I know it has to do with that.

H is still here. He's made some comments here and there that I didn't put together til now.
H-"I don't shower here at night because I don't want to wake up the baby" (Funny cuz I shower every night when baby's asleep)

BTW: Almost every night H drives back to his place to pick up clothes for the next day.
H-"I'm going to pick up clothes for the next 3 days"
Then...
H- (to our friend who recently moved close by) "Hey! we're neighbors now!"
H- (just now) "I hate having to go back and forth to get clothes"

This last one was the one that kinda made me think of the other comments. I don't say anything just listen.

A year ago I wanted him to come back. A few months ago I told him that the only thing keeping him from moving back was himself. He insisted it was me. Funny but I think I see his point now.

I like having someone to help me with the kids. I would rather it's their dad. Now that we are coming to this point where he may ask to move in, I feel a migraine coming on!!!

WHY??? Because we still have to address the issue of trust! That opens up so much old crap for me. Why can't we just be like in those old TV shows where the parents sleep in separate twin beds and only give each other pecks on the cheek. I can do that!

I'm just rambling. Trying to make light of a very heavy sitch.

Carry on...