darth vader and i

[BFloat]

it's been a while since i've had my own thread. i lurk from time to time.. but i haven't had much input because i am such a mess.. but today.. i really felt myself spiraling and just needed to get some words out. i don't know where i belong.. newcomers? mlc? we are not divorced. separated.

it's been about 18 months since bomb drop. since that time.. my H left.. had a roomie for a while... and then he was back home.. not piecing.. not together.. just... coexisting.. in the same space.. living his life and doing his own thing. he disappears on his weekends off with the kids and i go to my mom's when it's my weekends off.

now he finally has his own place. and i realize that it's needed to move forward but it still hurts none the less.

my S is now 6.. struggling in school.. holding in a lot of emotions.. my daughter is 3 and smarter than any 3 year old should be.

i feel like i'm spiraling and not sure how i'm going to catch my next breath. last night i had a total meltdown. it started with my son asking me "why does D get to spend more time with dad then i do?".. and over dinner my D asking "why does daddy choose not to live with us?". and then when i got an email from my S's teacher saying she wanted to meet and discuss his progress because he's really struggling.. i left the room when H said S seemed upset. i went upstairs to the bathroom.. closed the door.. and the tears just started flowing.

i am so tired. my family and friends don't get it. they feel i should be happy that H is finally leaving. i think in their minds, they feel i should be over this by now considering it's been 18 months. but how do you ever get over the grief and loss inflicted on your children. i just don't know.