The Art of Invisibility

[mizjjd]

Dawn, Agnes and AJ,

Thanks for stopping by.

Dawn - the whole "being alone while lying next to someone you've spent roughly half your life loving" - [censored]

I am not sure if I want my H to "follow" because the entirety of our M has not been good. I look at the idea of him "coming out" of his MLC to be... what? Like he has been for most of our
marriage? I am definitely NOT interested in that. Like a version of who I met and fell in love with? Consider me very skeptical of that being remotely possible.

Miss A, Idk yet what my Galing will be... more hours at fastfoodland? (shudder) taking a class of some sort? just going for walks (if the weather ever EVER gets decent) I have my feelers, my radar, primed for possibilities.

AJM, just looked back at my very first posts

I guess my curiousity is not yet cured

So, he has had several affairs while you were married? He pines for Wife#2 that left him?

What exactly is it you really want out of the relationship?

AJ

I look at some of these posts and wonder, "why is it you stayed, exactly?" And then I wonder if you happened to write down why you stayed back at the beginning. Just for comparison.

Still curious I see lol. That's ok, I can see where you would be.

When I found out about H's "1st" affair (it was his 2nd, but the 1st I became aware of.) I had 4 children under the age of 5. Let me clear my throat and say that again. I had four children under the age of 5.

H had 3 children from his first 2 Ms, none of which he paid support for.

I could not put my children into poverty, which is what I was certain leaving H would result in. I sucked it up and made do.

And not every day of the M has been horrible. I would say from roughly 2000 - 2012 it was "ok". H had finally really apologized for the A. He gave no indication that anything was "amiss" in the fidelity department. He rarely would have scored as having any of the Love Languages, was generally cool and distant, not particularly affectionate, but to me all that was manageable.

However, these traits combined with the current EA, and bd... and the kids are nearly all grown...and... what was your question?

Keep in mind, I have asked H to leave 4 separate times since bd. I don't have any place to go, even with 2 jobs would be hard put to pay rent and eat in the same month lol. And thats without even contributing to the kids, so my leaving isn't really practical.

However, H has place(s) to go... but he says he doesn't want to disrupt our twins last years of school.

... I just really don't know WHAT my M goals are at this point.
Maybe just to still be "in the picture" if/when H emerges so I can see what sort of critter he's evolved into.

Maybe I just want to be absolutely certain I tried my hardest and best - so if/when the end comes I can hold my head up and look my children in the eye without feeling I failed them.

Maybe I am holding out for a miracle, that the emerging H will be a better man.

Maybe I still love him.

Maybe I'm as dumb as a box of rocks.

Cheers