We are coming up on 8 months in our sitch - H and I are still spending lots of time together - mostly weekends. And when I'm not visiting him, he calls me every day. We are still living in separate residences, however we have discussed living together again, maybe even this summer.
BUT he's still not ready to say that we're dating or even that we're working on our M. Confusing, I know! I'm taking it a day at a time and riding the merry-go-round - which is better than a roller-coaster!
We are still seeing our MC, who is good but not great. I see it more as a dedicated hour each month where we can talk about our sitch, more than him providing any real guidance.
After our most recent discussion about moving back in together, he reminded me that he's still not sure he can believe what I say. He asked me, for close to the 100th time, "why?" And he still asks if I am sure about us and if I'm really in love with him...
I should probably ask that we stop talking about moving in together until he feels ready to say we're a couple, but at the same time it's so nice to be talking about the future instead of the past! Is that crazy??
Good to hear that things are moving along for you, Mandy.
Fears can be debilitating in their worst case. And the can certainly stall the progression of an R.
Sometimes, our true fears are hidden behind other fears.
He says he does not know he can trust you. That's a legitimate fear. Any thoughts on how you might be able to work on rebuilding that trust?
That said, it is possible that his deeper fear has nothing to do with you. You mention he keeps asking you if you are really in love with him. That sounds more like he fears he is not worthy.
He may also fear change. Is he comfortable where he is, now? Is he simply comfortable living alone?
is it possible that you have some fears around officially "dating" or moving in together? Your own fears might be triggering his fears, even if they're subtle.
As far as moving in together, have you tried doing weekly sleepover's? Would the two of you both leave the places where you are and move into a completely new place? Does he have any of his stuff at your place or you have any stuff at his? More than just an overnight?
If he has personal stuff at your place, it will feel more comfortable for him. If you have stuff at his place, he may feel more comfortable with the idea of you being a constant part of his life.
We are coming up on 8 months in our sitch - H and I are still spending lots of time together - mostly weekends. And when I'm not visiting him, he calls me every day. We are still living in separate residences, however we have discussed living together again, maybe even this summer.
That's fantastic news!!
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He asked me, for close to the 100th time, "why?" And he still asks if I am sure about us and if I'm really in love with him...
Clearly he's asked the same questions a lot which tells me he's not satisfied with your responses. I assume you're just trying to answer his questions? If so, then try something different. Instead of answering, try validating. Don't agree/ disagree/ reason/ explain/ etc. Tell him "I hear you asking "why" again, how does this make you feel, are you anxious, or worried, or angry?" "I guess anxious more than anything." "How anxious, on a scale of 1-10 how would you rank it?" "I'd say it's an 8." "Wow, so you're quite anxious. I can understand why you feel that way and I want to do what I can to keep you from feeling that way in the future."
The idea is to let him know that you are concerned with his feelings and emotions, that they are important to you and you seek to understand them. This will put him more at ease then hearing you say "don't worry, I'll never do any of that stuff again." Because that response says "you're wrong to have your feelings, I don't know why you keep thinking that, why can't you just trust my words?" I hope that makes sense, validation can be tricky to understand and implement.
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I should probably ask that we stop talking about moving in together until he feels ready to say we're a couple
The main criteria for moving back in together is that both spouses are fully committed to reconciliation.
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but at the same time it's so nice to be talking about the future instead of the past! Is that crazy??
Not at all, talk of a future together is a major sign that a WAS is turning around!
Hi Mandy, Yours sounds like an interesting journey. It's heart warming to hear of other R's being repaired. Just writing to say hi and to remind myself to go read your story when I have more time.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
He has said that he isn't sure if he *wants* to trust me again. ie: might be easier to start something new with someone else.
I have no fears of officially dating or moving in, but the whole time he was talking about it I was focused on "what does this mean for us?"
We do have sleepovers! I spent 3 nights in a row at his place last week (I always go to his place as he lives in our hometown.) I do have some stuff there, but not enough that I don't have to pack a bag to stay over.
As for what motivates him - partly finances and I *hope* that he enjoys the time we spend together!
Good that you recognized you were looking for meaning in your relationship with him. While it is nice to think that more time together or moving in together could "mean" a more secure, long term R... there is never a guarantee.
Do you mainly stay at his place for "sleepovers" or does he sometimes go to your place?
When you stay over at his place, is that usually only on a weekend?
How long is it between times that you have sleepovers?
What I'm getting at is... is there a point where you feel he's uncomfortable with you around so much? Or that you are uncomfortable with him around, so much?
Is there a way that you might bring more... "stuff"... over to his place, as "just in case" items or to make your presence in his life a little more... persistent?
Alternately, if he comes over to your place, do you have anything of his, there?
It is possible that while he may be scared to be more permanently involved, it may be because... each time the two of you go separate ways, he may be wondering... "maybe she won't come back, again..."
Just thinking out loud, here...
Also, what really ARE his fears? Did you say he was worried that it might happen again. You mentioned something about him wondering if it might be easier to just start again with someone else?
Knowing what his REAL (deep) fears are, might be worth looking into. Sometimes we will say a fear, which could be valid, yet we're hiding something deeper... which might even be unconscious.
Mandy, as a former WAW, can you share any insight on what a WAW is thinking when she drops the bomb? Also, can you share what made you made you reconsider?
When the bomb was dropped, I wasn't really thinking anymore. My thinking was done over ~12 months before I decided to leave. As I was leaving, I was concerned for my H and how he was going to cope with my leaving. I said a lot of stuff to try to make it easier, like I never loved you.
As for what made me reconsider - it started slowly - first I missed my friend, then my lover, then my husband. I began to see that I had things to work on, not just him. I started to see him confident and happy. I knew something was up when I started to hope that we'd run in to each other. These feelings started about 3 months after I'd left and took about 3 months to fully develop.
Mandy I find that really interesting. My sitch is approx 3 months old and although there's another man involved it seems like my wife has been lingering around a little more and finding reason to call me etc. nothing dramatic but enough for me to notice. Thanks for your thread it's really nice to get a perspective from a WAW.
Would love some advice on my thread if you ever have a spare minute. I would really appreciate it.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
(I always go to his place as he lives in our hometown.) I do have some stuff there, but not enough that I don't have to pack a bag to stay over.