Possible MLC - Opinions Please

[TSquared2]

yes, you will be the target...ironically because you are closest, safest person to blame...don't take it personally. Just work on you, be the best 2.4 you can be. Don't listen to the others, decide for YOU what you are going to do...seems a lot people these days don't appreciate honoring vows, or doing the hard work...it's always "hit the easy button"...listen to yourself, not them. I almost wanted to punch the last guy who told me to dump my W and teach her a lesson..lol.

Hang in there!
T^2

[mrtwopointfour]

yes, you will be the target...ironically because you are closest, safest person to blame...don't take it personally. Just work on you, be the best 2.4 you can be. Don't listen to the others, decide for YOU what you are going to do...seems a lot people these days don't appreciate honoring vows, or doing the hard work...it's always "hit the easy button"...listen to yourself, not them. I almost wanted to punch the last guy who told me to dump my W and teach her a lesson..lol.

Hang in there!
T^2

Hi T^2, I am hanging in there. W seems to be doing all she can right now to do things that she hasn't done in a while. Its almost like somebody who has left home for the first time. For instance going out with people she has never been out with before for a night out in town, probably to some really busy and noisy bars, things she stopped doing years ago and has had no interest in. I think this is part of Replay?

[mrtwopointfour]

yes, you will be the target...ironically because you are closest, safest person to blame...don't take it personally. Just work on you, be the best 2.4 you can be. Don't listen to the others, decide for YOU what you are going to do...seems a lot people these days don't appreciate honoring vows, or doing the hard work...it's always "hit the easy button"...listen to yourself, not them. I almost wanted to punch the last guy who told me to dump my W and teach her a lesson..lol.

Hang in there!
T^2

I do wonder to myself how many of these people she is talking to know about her dirty texts and EA with OM. I would say 0% on the texts and only one or two about the OM. I can't imagine half of them would support her the way they are if they knew the truth.

[mrtwopointfour]

I read somewhere in a thread of a spouse in MLC that woke up in the morning and was more normal and friendly but by evening was cold and rude.

My W is like this. She woke up in the morning, very talkative, suggesting things that we could eat that evening. Now, this evening won't discuss it. Apparently I can eat what I want. I think it's because she wants to not feel the pressure of eating when I do, it's almost her space / being individual issue. But, why talk about it in the morning and change come evening time.

To be honest her attitude stinks in the evenings, its more like it was before BD. no eye contact, one word answers, disagreeing with everything, not wanting to be part of anything I do, ie cooking etc. its very hard to still feel love for her. It's the future of the kids that keep me fighting at times like these. She walks around like she is living on her own, and like I am not here and no longer matter. So much for the I still love and care do you!

[mrtwopointfour]

Today I managed to validate my W emotions - which although I have tried before, I always ended saying too much or not really being able to do it without being detached from the sitch. But, for some reason, I have no idea why, I felt like i was consoling a friend rather than my W.

In a nutshell, W dad has really upset her, well he has been for months, and before that has been nothing but needy and draining to W since her mom died. So i let her talk, agreed with the bits I agreed with, nodded to the bits I was not too sure about, and commented about her feelings and his attitude when it felt right.

I also managed to give her a short hug, stroke her back and a quick friendly / reassuring kiss. Thats more physical contact than we have had for 6 months. Yes I may have taken advantage of her bad state, but in the past she has pulled away, or said 'i rather you didn't' but today she did not react. I am not reading anything into this, as she also made a point of saying nothing has changed she still feels the same. But again, I did not react, and I did not feel so hurt by it. I see today as a my first baby step. Even if its not a baby step for our M, its a baby step for my well being.

[mrtwopointfour]

I want to run some thoughts by everyone.

W has a definite panic about time left on this planet. This has been created by peers and her parent passing away from terminal illnesses. She keeps saying, she needs to get on with life, its too short, she can't stay miserable for the time she has left, that she may only have 5 - 10 years left. I know i can not reason with this, as she believes this for now, so i just nod and support. Its frustrating as this is why she is giving up on our M now, because she feels times is too precious to hang around. I know there is nothing like being on a parents death bed to suddenly start questioning your life and push you into MLC. She has now admitted that this has changed her as a person.

However, another thing that I think has not helped is that her father has been in a bad way since her mother died. This has not given her time to grieve, not one moment, because he has been like a child, needy, and emotionally draining. She has had to prop him up and see him through the past few years. Its been constant, every single day.

It just so also happens its these last few years W claims she has started to question her love for me and our M.

W is also unhappy in her job. This is a big issue and she is desperate for something new. Again, this is getting her down.

Any thoughts / input from any body here about how these things can effect a person and how they can work through MLC if they are still apparent in that persons life?

How do I handle her discussions about being M'd to me making her miserable - she tells me as if she is telling a friend. I think I am detached enough not to let it bother me now as it does not hurt anymore. But I find it odd that she is comfortable saying this so bluntly to my face.

And how do I validate her thoughts on life being short. Should I just say ' well i can see why you might feel that way?' or is that confirming that she may be right.

Looking forward to you replies!

[ForeverYoung]

W has a definite panic about time left on this planet. This has been created by peers and her parent passing away from terminal illnesses. She keeps saying, she needs to get on with life, its too short, she can't stay miserable for the time she has left, that she may only have 5 - 10 years left.

Same here.

However, another thing that I think has not helped is that her father has been in a bad way since her mother died. This has not given her time to grieve, not one moment, because he has been like a child, needy, and emotionally draining. She has had to prop him up and see him through the past few years. Its been constant, every single day.

It just so also happens its these last few years W claims she has started to question her love for me and our M.

W is also unhappy in her job. This is a big issue and she is desperate for something new. Again, this is getting her down.

Any thoughts / input from any body here about how these things can effect a person and how they can work through MLC if they are still apparent in that persons life?

It's all about her perspective of the things in her life, and you can't change that. Well, not for the better anyway.

How do I handle her discussions about being M'd to me making her miserable - she tells me as if she is telling a friend. I think I am detached enough not to let it bother me now as it does not hurt anymore. But I find it odd that she is comfortable saying this so bluntly to my face.

I told my wife I understood she was going through a difficult time, and that I would stay out of her way and work on being the best H I could be. I made this last comment ONCE, (remember: actions not words) when she accused me early in the sitch of "not doing anything"... meaning, moving ahead with the D process.

She's still cool and distant, but it's been quite a while since she has blamed me for her unhappiness.

And how do I validate her thoughts on life being short. Should I just say ' well i can see why you might feel that way?' or is that confirming that she may be right.

I like to say stuff like "yep, we all have to make the most out of everyday, we only have so many left"... which of course is true. Most important I think is for us to maintain an actual PMA, and find meaning, purpose and yes, enjoyment in OUR lives right now.

[job]

M,
Everything you described in your last posting screams mlc. The death of a parent can trigger a mlc because it causes the child to look at mortality and begin thinking about his/her life and what she's accomplished or didn't accomplish.

The unhappiness in the job arena is another mlc trait. She may even begin to think about changing jobs and this could go on for several years w/the job hopping. She will be looking for change in all the wrong places, when, in fact, happiness comes from within.

She will work through her issues in her own time. Her clock is very, very slow and will not be set to speed up to meet your clock. Unfortunately, you didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. Her issues run deep and they all began as a child when she wasn't validated, affirmed and recognized by an authority figure. Abandonment issues come to forefront if this happened to them as children, the same would also apply to abuse issues.

When she speaks of being miserable about life and the marriage, you can something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it go. Unfortunately, how she feels right now is her right to own it and she's looking at life through rose-colored glasses. You, on the other hand, are living in the real world and know what your marriage was like. You can defend your marriage and yourself until the cows come home, but she will not agree w/you right now. It's the depression talking and until she works through her crisis, she may very well feel that the marriage did make her miserable.

Right now, she does see you as a friend, not a husband. Treat her as a friend, listen and validate, keep your expectations at zero and accept her for who she is today and not who she was pre-crisis. Your w is now the mirror image of the person you knew, i.e., the exact opposite.

The most important thing to do is detach, allow God to work on her and take care of yourself. Allow her to come to you and have a safe place for her to land. Sit quietly and the answers will come. When you question them, it comes across as challenging them. You'll get more answers from her if you sit quietly and allow her to come to you when she needs to talk. Come here if you need to vent, chat or ask questions...it is far better to do so than to try to get answers from your w right now.

Please read the resources that Cadet provided to you. Some of the questions you have may be answered after reading them.

[mrtwopointfour]

The unhappiness in the job arena is another mlc trait. She may even begin to think about changing jobs and this could go on for several years w/the job hopping. She will be looking for change in all the wrong places, when, in fact, happiness comes from within.

You are right here. She is looking at anything right now, and each day what she wants to do changes. It does not help that in her current job, I am the person she reports to most of the time, so effectively there is a controlling issue there which spills into our R.

Right now, she does see you as a friend, not a husband. Treat her as a friend, listen and validate, keep your expectations at zero and accept her for who she is today and not who she was pre-crisis. Your w is now the mirror image of the person you knew, i.e., the exact opposite.

I need to remember this as its very true. Yesterday, after I validated and gave her some 'air time', she was the closest to how she used to be in a very long time. Today we are back to the 'old new her'!

Please read the resources that Cadet provided to you. Some of the questions you have may be answered after reading them.

Very true, I do begin reading these and then skip across to look at others peoples sitches within these, which means I loose my way a little!

[mrtwopointfour]

Snodderly, I've just taken a look at your posts (well a quick glimpse) - it looks like you have been here for 12 or more years now, and posted some really good information.

Is there anything on Cadets list that links to your posts, or is there something you have done a thread on that I should stop by and read.

I just read something on one of your 101's that said about irrational behaviour. My W is showing a lot of this. Such as saying she is in love with somebody she has not met yet. Before she would have laughed at anybody who made such as statement.

15496 posts as well - thats mighty impressive!!!