Time, Space and Proof

[cbtdad]

I hope y'all find a good solution Moth.
W and I have a 3 and half year old and hate his for him more ham anything. We can both certainly see it in his behavior and emotions. He is much better behaved when both of us are with him.
When wife and I separated we had to come to custody agreement for court.
My opinion at that age is that son should be with mom majority of time. Just my opinion. So we agreed on me getting him every other weekend and me being able to see him whenever I want basically.
So far that has been great. It has made detaching extremely difficult though. But it's been best case possible for son. And that's what I care about most right now

[JuneReN]

While I cannot help you much with the custody thing (I have full), the thought that you discussed it being an issue for S is positive. It is always the WAS that maintains "the children will be fine, adjust etc." Perhaps a longer stay between households?

My children are older and S16 knows of Hs GF, but I refused to allow D13 to either know or meet her. It has been 7 going on 8 months though and since doofus H has changed his FB to in a relationship with...I think the time has come for H to tell D. Not looking forward to that fall out. I have also said that D and H time is just that D and H time, not include GF time. He sees my kids very little though, since we live about 60 miles apart.

Does your W live with OM?

Perhaps you can ask her to limit the interaction with OM and S until he settles a bit more. This is not unreasonable.

I am betting she knows what solution you want, but at this point, it is not what she wants or needs. You can only control you at the end of the day and your responses to situations and interactions.

How is the anger management going?

[moth76]

W lives alone. I have no idea where she is at with OM. The last combo we had about it was several months ago when she fessed up yo the EA and said there was no physical yet but she had physical attraction to him. For my sanity I assume they have had sex so it won't shock me if that has/does happen. I have held back on discussing anything related to OM since it initially caused a huge blow up from W and I wasn't mentally ready to stay calm about it. The time us coming though I feel.

Our custody agreement is I have S Sunday night through Wednesday and W is the rest. With family day on Sunday. We also both agreed that either one can visit any time.

The main issue I see right now is W really misses having access to S every day but won't work on R. So here we f@#*king are.

My anger management is going well. Very good with W, not as well with S. Because he just wants us to be a family and it just crushes me to hear it. Then my anger comea out toward W. So working on that side of it right now.

[JuneReN]

I would rather you have anger at W than S, if it came to that. Sounds like you maybe misdirecting the anger you have for W and S is ending up with short end of stick.

Maybe you should broach week on/week off and W can see him when she wants, if that works for you. Of course, if it is your week, she must drive to you.

[cbtdad]

Have y'all talked to any specialist about this btw?
I first wanted to do one week on one week off, but as a specialist said to me,
"I have a better idea, why don't you and your wife each move back and forth one week at a time"
She displacing a child that often before he age of 10 or so is a very idea usually.
She said just when they are settling in they are having to pack and go to the next place. She said the only way that usually works is when both bedrooms and clothes and everything are the same at both places. Basically having two sets of everything.
Just thought I would share. That's how I came up with every other weekend and being able to see him when I wanted. It was all about displacing him as little as possible.

[WAW_SC]

Hey Moth,

I used to wish my W would think about the kids more because i convinced myself that what she was doing was so selfish. Instead of putting the effort in to working things out, she wanted to put effort into working out how to live seperate lives. I used to say stuff like "but what about the kids, shouldnt we put more energy into trying to repair the M for their sake" This was just more controlling behaviour...more "im right, your wrong" thinking which i was already guilty of.

I have come to realise that at least in my case my W was putting the kids first. She didnt want them to be in an environment where mum and dad argued a lot. I also realise that its all about the kids for her and that I was using them to try and bargain with her or play on her guilt. I am ashamed of doing that but i was desperate to get her back and i just wanted to piece our little family back together.

My new strategy is to also put the kids first and if that means agreeing or disagreeing with my W it doesnt matter. You need to educate yourself on what is best for your S in this situation and focus on that as well as focus on yourself.

This is where the detaching part comes in. If you can detach from what your W is thinking/ acting/ feeling and act on the best interest of your S and clearly express that to her, then you are doing the right thing for your S. The trick is to be kind and respectful to your W even if you think she doesnt deserve it.

Good luck man...

[moth76]

Thank you for all of the advice. You are right about the anger, only I suppose I would rather not act on anger at all. Well that is my long term goal at least. We haven't spoken to a councillor or any kind. Money has been super tight. A lot of details regarding how things would actually work were lost in the shuffle of just making the S happen so my W would be able to stop blaming me. So we could move forward.

You all have good ideas about possible adjustments to how we are sharing S. Regardless of our emotional conflict we do both want our S to be happy. I definitely have no desire to drag him into the middle. Also, you are right that using his negative feelings to make my W feel bad is something I have been contemplating. Somethig that clearly is selfish. Thanks for the honest eye opener.

[moth76]

I just wanted to say that after thinking about the good replies to my thread tonight. I am going to ask W if she will sit down with me to discuss settling our S at one home. Probably my W's since she has more space. I feel much better about making an adjustment like this so my boy doesn't keep getting the shaft.

[JuneReN]

Good job Moth. We usually have the answers within us when we explore the whys.

It's just sometimes they are not the answers we want.

[moth76]

I am realizing this, and learning to accept that the right answers only hurt my selfish ego. But at every turn when I have been able to accept what is and focus on my problems I feel so much better.

I drove to W's house last night and we talked about the arrangement for S. It went even better than I could have imagined. S will live with her and I will get him on my day off. Also we had one day that was in conflict because of something that my wife has been going to for awhile. She invited me to spend the night at her house so I can be with S on that night and morning. Not reading into it, but the fact that she is
comfortable enough having me there is nice.

Also she brought up a little R talk. Asking me where I am at with everything. I told her that I was working on me and using the opportunity to become a better me. I asked her how she felt now that she has her space. She said she feels a little peace but is trying to figure out how to be whole and who she has become. Some things she is proud of and some things not. She said she has felt a lot of guilt and didn't/doesn't mean to be hurtful to me or S in all this.

There has been a subtle shift in her verbiage. I feel like it is a positive baby step that my changes are being noticed. She used the phrase " the way you were" several times in discussing her feelings. Just the general phraseology around that was accepting of me becoming changed.

This is a big change from a few months ago, where everything was just the way you are, I don't think you can change that etc.

It is sooooo easy to get sucked into that chaotic nonsense in my head!
I am at peace now, refocused.