Recently Separated and Need Help

[azguy]

Several of your last posts have focused on what you can do to get him back. I'd suggest that this is not where you want to focus your thoughts right now, especially since you've told us you've been controlling in your R. You'll appear as pursuing and attempting to control the situation.

Instead what can you do to get the better you back? You don't need to go dark or ignore him, just don't focus on him or the R right now. Work on making yourself someone only a fool would leave. It'll help your outlook and he may be intrigued by the changes.

He may be purposely sabotaging your interactions, consciuosly or subconsciously. Be consistent! Even if he backs off he'll notice this. Hang in there, this is not a sprint.

[Breakdown]

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've been researching as many books as I can to help with that HUGE list of improvements I need to make. Do you think this is the right way to start out? I'm open to any and all suggestions.

I worked thru a lot of my issues, here on this board. Yeah, lots of thinking and reading too. The way to start is to find a focus....which issue do you want to focus on first?

[separated313]

Thanks for the advice. I'm still getting horrible advice from my friends. It's tough to know which way to turn. I'm so blessed to have found this place.

[separated313]

I think I want to focus on learning to only control me and my behaviors first. That's the biggest issue I feel I have right now. I need to stop looking to control the actions of others

[Maritimer]

Work on being the best person you can be. Try your best to detach and not be effected by his actions. Its really difficult at the beginning but it gets easier with time.

[Breakdown]

I think I want to focus on learning to only control me and my behaviors first. That's the biggest issue I feel I have right now. I need to stop looking to control the actions of others

So where do you think this need to control comes from?

[separated313]

I think I want to control things because it makes me feel important. Growing up, I was always the center of attention and loved being in the "spotlight". As the years went on, the spotlight faded. By taking control and being in charge, I feel like I'm important and somewhat back in my spotlight. It also makes me feel like I won't be forgotten. I have this huge fear of being alone. Instead of enjoying time by myself, I crave being with others.

[separated313]

I have barely spoken to my H since Monday night. My IC has told me that I need to stop being so demeaning, but I completely forgot about that last night. My H asked me at D6's soccer practice if S9 came along. My response was "Of course he did, where else would he be?" S9 was at the park playing during practice and my H hadn't seen him. Guess that didn't come across as happy, huh? I'm completely blowing any DBing. Now I feel like I'm just waiting for the divorce papers to show up.

[separated313]

So today my H has been texting me because his back hurts. He's looking for advice on what to do. What do I do?

He's also been updating me on his job and some issues that could be on the horizon. I'm confused! If he doesn't like me, why is he updating me and coming to me for advice?

Help me! How do I handle this?

[in_it]

Oh man, this is hard. Try short simple answers. Ask him if he has taken anything. Suggest that he call & talk with the doctors office.

I'm not sure what to say in regards to the job texts. Maybe something like-"That does sound like some issues could arise"?

It is confusing. While you're trying your hardest to just get through the day & then you get some communication from H & your heart jumps a little. Your emotions go crazy & you start to analyze everything. It's probably my hardest thing to deal with. Hugs to you. Try to stay strong & come here to vent. That's what I do. Just typing out my feelings gives me some relief.