azguy, your comments about humility really help thank you. And I'm going to follow your advice T1000 and not set any conditions.
Made it through yesterday! Actually had a really good time with H and dds. No awkwardness. H's train was a couple hours late and he kept texting and saying he was sorry (our of character). I was totally chill & it was no big deal. Girls and I shopped and enjoyed the time together. I was relaxed and had no expectations for day. It's strange, I was so nervous but when the time actually came it was super calm.
There were a couple instances that I was able to demonstrate positive changes. One was when D18 brought up topic of H's mother & her passive aggressive fb comments last week. It really upset H. I reiterated the point with D18, in front of H, that we can't control MIL's actions & she can only control hers & do better in the future about promptly expressing appreciation. Then we walked around a little bit & I could tell H was still upset. I tried to show comfort, told him we know MIL is like this & I was hopping mad when I found out about situation too. But I really felt that we (D18 & I) shouldn't deal with it unless MIL approaches us with problem. He said he's glad I didn't react & talk to MIL but he wanted to bring it up to her and I can't control his actions either. haha I just agreed and said he's right!
The other issue was when D18's boyfriend's mother called & I was sitting with H & girls were shopping elsewhere. She wanted to warn me that D18's boyfriend was preparing to buy D18 a promise ring for their anniversary. And from the mom's perspective, it sounded like my d18 was pressuring the boyfriend for the ring. I'm on the phone in front of H & was totally calm. This would have sent me over the edge last year! I probably would have called D18 over in the middle of the store & started reading her the riot act. But I actually felt really calm on the inside. Thanked her for the call & then asked H if we could talk about this. We step away from girls.
I fill H in on conversation. Bad points - H actually says "why does d18 want a promise ring? does she think it'll prevent boyfriend from cheating on her?" (This is where I DIDN'T SAY - WELL A RING DIDN'T STOP YOU FROM CHEATING!) Then he says, "we've only shown her a model of a long standing committed relationship and monogamy. It's probably natural for her to want the same thing". I was basically at a loss for words - did he really just say this to me? That a ring could protect against infidelity and we've shown her a model of monogamy? It was a good thing I was too shocked to react. I just didn't say a thing!
Then he goes on to say that D18 needs to understand that she can't force boyfriend into commitment & she needs to be more understanding & mature about relationship. I started getting teary here and H saw. I just replied "I know, she's a bully. She's just like me. She thinks she can do anything. You know I was the same way at that age." I do see a lot of traits in our kids that could be great with a good dose of self awareness. I wonder if they'll use their powers for good or evil haha... but I don't worry about it as much as I used to! Accepting I can't control everything has really changed my life.
I asked H's opinion on if we should do anything & if he would support me in talking to her. He was totally on board & supportive. I didn't bring up our therapy appt at all the entire day but he did at least 3 times. And he said after therapy tomorrow, maybe we could get some dinner then come back to house & talk to D18. Personally, I think I'll be an emotional mess & need a break after therapy tonight but will leave that door open for now.
So if nothing else, we demonstrated that we can have a good day and be normal. H texted last night that he had fun. Still not any personal questions about me, but he did express concern for my welfare. Wanted to know if I needed help driving home because he knows I don't like to drive at dusk. Texted to make sure we got home okay. Sent me a pretty picture of the sunset. Very nice, in a non-personal way if that makes any sense... maybe I'm just detached enough for it to not grab me that tightly.
It'll be a real kick in the pants when, after a great family day, H tells therapist tonight he wants to end marriage. Will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I do see a lot of traits in our kids that could be great with a good dose of self awareness. I wonder if they'll use their powers for good or evil haha... but I don't worry about it as much as I used to! Accepting I can't control everything has really changed my life.
