I hope the vets can chime in on R talk. Since you don't want the divorce how can we avoid talk about D? Should we let them know we aren't ready to discuss a D? I have yet to find an answer to this
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Well, that was dumb. I was trying to upgrade W's computer and then took a look at her pictures on there. First one was her and OM kissing (taken back in February). Closed it and didn't look at any more. Probably should be offering to help with her computer in the first place. Truly, my intention was not at all to spy. In fact, I half-thought about it and half-decided to not spy. But I guess I'm really good at fooling myself. And was I hoping to score some points doing her a favor? Yeah, pretty sure on that one.
Here is the last text she sent asking about talk time. There have been a few of these over the last couple of months:
"When u have the time, can we email or text about our relationship and future? It's hard to talk, but we need to. Limbo is not the place to try and live. It does not work. But I'll wait for ur timing. For now anyhow, I'm not over anxious."
I think you perhaps misunderstand DB'ing on this, the DB 180 rule is not to INITIATE any R talks. If your W wants to talk about it then by all means, talk to her. Because if you dodge it, then it's likely just "more of the same" behavior from you. The key to talking to her is to LISTEN and VALIDATE. She says she thinks it's over and divorce is inevitable? You nod and tell her you understand why she feels that way. Ask her how that makes her feel, try to get her to discuss her feelings and then you validate them. Don't agree/ disagree/ reason/ explain/ justify/ argue/ etc. Just seek to understand her feelings and emotions. And DO NOT PANIC!!! Pretty much all WAS's will talk in absolutes, saying things like "we will never be able to reconcile", "my mind is made up", "there is no chance for us", "divorce is the only way", etc. Just expect it and don't be surprised when you hear it. Keep your cool. The more you fight her on these things the more she'll want to push for D. However, if you take all the pressure off and empathize with her feelings, she won't feel the need to run out and file.
Often the WAS will push to talk about D, then after they do have that talk things go into limbo and they just quit pushing for it.
"Wondering why u unfriended me. Don't want to be friends? If that's so. Ok.
And. I guess we r not friends. Sorta [censored] to me. I mean. I like u a lot. And I know we both have regrets. Different ones though. I truly believe u will be happier and better off without me as ur wife. But I wish we could be friends. If not, ok."
Any advice would be appreciated. I unfriended her last time she checked in with her boyfriend. Mostly because I don't want to see that stuff more than to send a message. Now what?
OK, here is what I am going to reply on facebook. I don't want her to feel like I'm pushing her away by dropping the rope.
"I unfriended you because it was unhealthy for me to see what was going on with you, not to send any message. I've tried to give you space to make your choices and not try to manipulate you in any way, but first I have to take care of myself."
Edit: "I unfriended you because it was unhealthy for me to check in on you. It was not to send any message. I've tried to give you space to make your choices and not try to manipulate you in any way, and not to push you away. But first I have to take care of myself."
Hey Daniel, I'm new here and can't offer much, I'm replying as I am hoping this stays near the top so you can hear from people that are more experienced. IMHO I hate FB and texting when it comes to trying to have a serious conversation. I see it as passive aggressive, I personally wouldn't respond to her that way.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Edit: "I unfriended you because it was unhealthy for me to check in on you. It was not to send any message. I've tried to give you space to make your choices and not try to manipulate you in any way, and not to push you away. But first I have to take care of myself."
I would just go with something like:
"I just wanted to detach from all that Facebook drama, that's all. I just did it for my own peace of mind."
