LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

I had a really hard day yesterday. Sometimes, especially when I'm busy at work or life, My W and the infidelity briefly drift off from my mind and then I snap back to reality and it's like I'm hearing it for the first time again. I feel shocked and it's surreal. I go straight into "No way. Not my W." You see, we weren't perfect but we were closer to perfect than anyone else we knew. When I exposd the affair to our friends and family everyone, not just most, everyone had the same reaction. "No Way! Not your wife." We were the standard they all strived for. (including the AP)

I was in denial and hid it from everyone because I was ashamed for quite some time. I thought I could bring her to her senses and no one would know. I went through this phase of trying to protect her from her mistake. Control again. Control so I wouldn't get hurt. So I wouldn't have to suffer the public humiliation.

It got to a point where it was too much to handle. I needed support. I talked to my W about it. (this was prior to her moving out). Of course she didn't want anyone to know and I was enabling that but I told her I couldn't be alone. We agreed together that I would confide in one of our closest friends. I'll call her BFF. BFF had know my W longer than anyone, almost 20 yrs. Over the course of the 12yrs we have been together, BFF and I have become very close as well.

One night over the phone I told BFF everything. She was angry. She was so angry. She knows the AP too. BFF has been such a soft place for me to land and been a tremendous source of strength but what neither my W or I expected was that BFF would be so dissapointed in my W, that she now finds it hard to have a relationship with her. Now W shows resentment to me for it even though BFF was my W's idea in the first place.

My W underestimated the expectations that BFF would hold her to. She thought friends forever and no matter what. Honestly so did I. They have been so close for so long. I have even tried to encourage BFF to reach out to my W... that even though my W made a mistake she needs her friends too. But as BFF puts it "If you can't trust her RT, how can we?" (meaning our circle of friends.)

So I have watched my W throw away our M, lose her job, lose the respect of her closest friends, and even some of her own family members. She said to me recently that it seems easier to just run away with the AP and start over with new friends and a new reputation than to stay "here".

What if she just can't forgive herself and "woman" up to repair the damage she done? Not just to me, but in the other relationships in her life that were so important.

It's hard to watch someone you love so much be in so much pain and make so many mistakes. But I am learning that I cannot jump in and save her. I have to keep my feet planted firmly on the boat. If she doesn't do this on her own, she will not grow from it. If I get in it with her, we'll both drown.

Ending on a GAL note... BFF and some other friends have planned a vacation and have invited me along. We leave for a week in about a month. I am excited but scared and sad. It will be my first vacation without my W in 12yrs. This is the group of friends we normally travel with. They chose to ask me instead of W even though I met them all through my W. It will be weird to just be "RT" with them and not "RT & W". Plus they are couples and I will be alone. I'm sure it will be easier than I think.

P.S. I'm still NC. And she has been too.