I come home from eating out with the kids and W was folding clothes and crying. Given the last 24 hrs, I had no idea what to do or say. So I just talked about D8 and what she did on her field trip today. She stopped crying and talked about the field trip. Maybe I should have said something, maybe not. I honestly have no idea what I should have done. Even now having time to look back on it, I still don't know.
On a brighter note, our softball team is now 3-0. At least when I am playing softball there are times that I don't think about my sitch. Wish we played more than once a week.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
When do you get to the point of telling the WAS what they need to work on? There are definitely things that made me stressed and unhappy in our M. I have never really brought them up (probably part of our demise). In my sitch I see no point of bringing up this stuff now. What good would it do. She is already 99% gone already. If she doesn't stay then it won't be my problem anyway. However, if she does stay, it doesn't seem like a good idea to bring that stuff up either (more walking on eggshells) because she thinks I am the root to all of her problems.
Not sure why but this is just something I have been thinking about recently.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I can relate on how you feel. I am really tempted to express to my spouse about her controlling, narcissistic, emasculating behavior that led me to not wanting to spent every spare moment around her. It would hurt her and I dont want to do that.
Its probably not a good time to tell her as she would likely take it in a negative way. If she was willing to try I would suggest some constructive criticism, but she is not at this point yet.
Keep up the good work with the GAL, new activities takes your mind off the situation!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
When do you get to the point of telling the WAS what they need to work on? There are definitely things that made me stressed and unhappy in our M. I have never really brought them up (probably part of our demise). In my sitch I see no point of bringing up this stuff now. What good would it do. She is already 99% gone already. If she doesn't stay then it won't be my problem anyway. However, if she does stay, it doesn't seem like a good idea to bring that stuff up either (more walking on eggshells) because she thinks I am the root to all of her problems.
Not sure why but this is just something I have been thinking about recently.
I have thought about this too. I read somewhere about reinforcing good behavior rather than complaining about bad behavior. I missed an opportunity to do this recently. For example, my W hardly interacts with our 3 girls anymore. This weekend, she played a game with them. It's been months since she has done this. I should have said something like how nice it was, or how happy the girls were, etc. This would be more effective than complaingin to her that she doesn't interact with the girls.
I also indirectly inferred to her that much of her unhappiness is internal. When talking with my two older girls on the phone while they were visiting my MIL, the oldest said she had a horrible day and recounted the day's events the younger one recounted the same events and said she had a good day. I joked with my W how each views the same things differently and how second daughter's outlook on life is so different than our oldest.
I would not tell your W anything directly about her happiness. If you act happy, it will become hard for her to keep blaming you for her unhappiness. Also, if you do 180's on the behavior that annoys her, this helps too.
When do you get to the point of telling the WAS what they need to work on? There are definitely things that made me stressed and unhappy in our M. I have never really brought them up (probably part of our demise).
And that is a $20,000 question. I have acknowledged my shortcomings. Addressed. Identified others. My W? Not so much...
The biggest problem I see in these issues, whomever is the WAS seems to get by with a get out of jail free card while. Certainly the WAS is responsible for a portion of the M problems - in many cases. Just because they are the first to pull the trigger seems to mean the LBS gets to do all the changing? Do they ever have to come to grips with their part in what happened in their M? Is it fair? Is it equitable?
Really, it doesn't matter. From what I've seen the LBS is the one who, if it is their desire to do so, make the changes necessary to start healing the M. Eventually, the WAS will have to come to grips with whatever their part was if they truly want the M to work. That will take a while since in most cases they don't even know what they want 6, 12 or 18 months after BD.
It all really comes down to how patient a LBS wants to be, how much effort they wish to put forth and how IMPORTANT it is to them to save the M. This is not easy stuff. If it was, Michelle and many others would be out of work...
No kidding Grizz. Not at all my type of music but heard it somewhere and it really struck a chord w/me.
Great that we like it and can related but would be even better if WAWs could "hear" it also........
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Ugh!!! Sitting here listening to music and watching D4 dance (hilarious by the way) and W comes in and starts exercising. On one hand, glad she doesn't despise me so much that she totally tries to avoid me but on the other hand, it drives me crazy because I still think she is soooo sexy and it breaks my heart to watch her.
Kind of funny, D4 loves One Direction and the song that is on says "get out, get out, get outta my head".
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
The biggest problem I see in these issues, whomever is the WAS seems to get by with a get out of jail free card while. Certainly the WAS is responsible for a portion of the M problems - in many cases. Just because they are the first to pull the trigger seems to mean the LBS gets to do all the changing? Do they ever have to come to grips with their part in what happened in their M? Is it fair? Is it equitable?
Yeah, it's frustrating. The only time they really have to own their part in it is if reconciliation ever happens, and only then if the LBS pushes for that. If the WAS expresses interest in reconciling then that is the time to push them to deal with their own mistakes in the marriage. But more often than not there is no reconciling or piecing, so the WAS just carries all their baggage into the next relationship and that's probably a contributing factor to so many more second marriages failing.
